I've decided to make the move over here from Newcomers. Everyone on the board has been so supportive since I started posting awhile back. Even though things are still rough, and I would like to see her and I meet some certain goals first, I feel that we are out of the panic and crisis stage, and in a much better place than when I started. I feel that I am piecing things back together for us--and even if things don't work out the way I want them too, at least I can know that I worked hard to bring our M to a much better place than it was in, and that I have had a lot of success in repairing our relationship. I also think there's a great deal of merit to self fullfilling prohecies, and a lot of power in faith.
Me 35 W 37 M 9 R 13 We both have full time careers No kids 1 cat Renovating an old house
Summary...
Oct 03: Wife decides I've been too nervous about having kids. She wants out of M. She's been trying too hard too long, can't do it anymore. I am in complete shock. I get into counseling right away.
Nov 03: W stops ML. Says she doesn't feel anything for me anymore. We go to MC for several sessions, wife stonewalls more and more with each session. I snoop and find out about W's OM (a client of hers who I'd actually met several times) but don't say anything about it, yet.
Dec03: I've been pursuing and acting emotional. W says separation and divorce are definites. I start to clean up my behavior. I suggest she let me stay in the house, she doesnt like the idea. A few days later she suggests it, I tell her its a great idea, move into the guest bedroom. Near the end of the month we share a few more mutual crying sessions, but she won't budge, I tell her I will stop the pursuit. I research and write our separation papers and her dad hires a lawyer in town to review them for us.
Jan04: Wife stops wearing wedding ring and says she is starting to date. I keep mine on 24/7. I read DR twice and start DBing. Wife and I become more friendly. IC is helping me. I've dropped a lot of weight. W admits to OM after I visit him (no confrontation) at his work and he calls her to tell her. After we talk about it we start to get along better, with her opening up a little more.
Feb04: I make some new friends, start going to church, and get better at DBing. W an I are increasingly are more friendly. We sign sep papers right before V day, but she also opens up more about her feelings about us, telling me that she doesn't know what she wants anymore, can't sort out her priorities in life, doesn't think that separation necessarily means divorce, that she has a lot of decisions to make about her life. She tells me she knows I've changed, that even other people have noticed my changes, she is able to list and describe said changes, and that she appreciates them. She also says that said changes are strange and surprising for her because she had thought I would have been thrilled to be away from her finally (ouch).
Mar 04: We continue to develop a good rapport. We keep making regular small babysteps, and meet more of my short term goals, such as letting me touch her more, her occasionally touching during conversation, her being more open with me about her life, making me breakfast on weekend mornings, taking me clothes shopping with her, and there's been gradually more light flirting between us.
There are more details in my previous thread in Newcomers
I've been doing a fair job of taking care of myself, listening and paying attention to her, validating her feelings, giving her space, not being defensive,... I've made a lot of changes from my poor behavior of the past.
There are a number of things I probably need to do more of or do better (like working on the house more) but I also need to remind myself to be patient, because the consistency of my self improvements are having very good effects.
Some things I would like to see happen in the next month... *That she would ask me out on a "date" or go on one with me. *That she continues to be open with me, and more trusting. *That she would involve me in more activities in her life. *That she would hug me more or give me a small kiss. *That she would choose to do something special for me (a small thoughtful gift? make me dinner?). * That she would spend less time w/ OM, more with me.
And beyond that... *That she would say that she is interested in talking about how our marriage could work. *That she would say or imply that there is more of a chance for our marriage. *That she would say that she is going to stop dating and stop seeing OM as an option for her. *That she would initate ML *That she would say that she would like to focus on us and our marriage. *That she would ask for us to sleep in the same bed again. *That she would want to re-commit to our marriage.
Thanks again to everyone who has given me so much support.
