I haven't talked for a while been really doing inner searching need to let out some stuff. I finally understand that it's over I think. She has no trust, no caring, and I just see it in her eyes. And that's okay, my problem is that we can't afford a divorce, won't be able to die a while it seems. So I feel like I'm stuck in limbo always. Without the D, I just can't seem to move past it. I haven't had sex for 2.5 years and I'm aching for it. I don't know if it's just me or what.
There are days I want to try and find something else, then days where I just want the WAW back. I don't know if I just want to walk away or keep trying or what. But I think that's the problem. I know it's time to walk away, but I can't convince myself to do it. I have looked back over things and have seen things that I know bugged me and I just locked them away. She tried to take sex away because I chewed, okay understandable, but I chewed the whole time we knew each other, why use that as a ploy to try and get me to quit. She once told me to not to act up around her friends and that they were not my friends. Like I needed to not act like myself. That's not right to expect that.
I guess it comes down to being able to accept each other for who we are. I didn't like that she was so critical, she didn't like that I chewed and was a certain way in my actions. We never fully accepted each other. We always wanted change in each other, and these changes we wanted we thought we couldn't live without. I did lie and cheat with the porn. In the end though if we loved each other, should t we stand by each other. Give the support and help we both needed for growth and change.