as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

[asitis]

So, turns out W left something else out that she probably didn't intend. An old vibrator that I bought her as a gift years ago (no longer vibrates). It was tucked into the fitted sheet next to where we both sleep on the bed at the house.

Mixed feelings triggered by that. A bit of jealousy that she might be fantasizing that it is someone else. A bit of hope that it might be me that she is fantasizing about. Not sure whether she fantasizes or just takes care of the urge. Wondering if there were some way to plant the seed that I would not read any meaning about our R into her coming over for the real if she wants to scratch that itch. Then, no, I just leave it where it is & say nothing (just like the divorce book), as it is more likely to trigger defenses when some opening to talking about things of interest is going on.

I doubt she is thinking about pursuing a new R, as she is actually gaining weight to the point where it is showing. She normally would respond to that by exercising and cutting back a bit on deserts. If there were a new interest, she'd definitely be worried about doing things to attract. Doesn't mean she doesn't have interests that she is fantasizing about. But I don't want her to feel like I'm getting in the way of that by her even realizing I know that she is taking care of her needs. Not my business, and I respect that we are not a couple and I have no claims on her body even if we were.

Really would like to have some coffee though. It doesn't help that I'm surrounded by attractive young women in leggings and skirts five days a week. Don't want them though (still prefer W despite everything). Just adds to the reminders that I have unmet needs in that area.