HI V- Yes I understand where you are coming from on problems arise that are not mine to own. I was pretty vague I guess I meant I can own my problems :anger abuse co-dependency ect. I certainly do understand what you mean some things you have no control over. and I certainly can not control everyone or everything.
This is important to know.
things that burden me are my anxiety anger
These are your feelings: let's relate this to Inside Out. If you think of the pixars in headquarters, fear sadness and anger: you need those as Riley did in the film and can't function without them. You can't get rid of them they provide a role. Why be burdened by something which is part of you?
Stop. You need these feelings.
Firstly, having these feelings is natural and secondly, without them you can't function.
This is a burden to let go of. Your feelings are other than a burden they are your right and gift as a human being (not doing). In the film everyone has these!
If it helps give these feelings a name. Jellyb refers to her sadness as "sweet sadness", I refer to my anger as "screaming banshee", and I refer to my contempt as "plain Vanilla". I also have others too.
and self control/restraint.
This is a behaviour mechanism: like the brakes on a run away train. Compulsion that you choose at the point you give in to say "yes" rather than "wait". The key to this is putting in a "pause" that is applying the brakes slowly. An example would be recently you were annoyed, instead of letting rip or beating your self up, go for a bath, sit on the loo and read, take a nap. Give yourself a time out.
I get anxious then I get angry then I spew anything and everything. So the action I can control would be the spewing?
Yes, you got it. The anger is your HQ telling you something is wrong, likely a boundary infringement event or an "it's not fair". The spew is the behaviour that follows, it vents the anger but makes you feel cruddy and ashamed right? I know this one! It's screaming banshee, the Pixar at HQ anger presses the buttons on the control panel and like little Riley I lose my rag. It recoloured Riley's memory balls red, and she lost her friendship island. That's what happened to me. So what did I do? Firstly I converted WH into a carton Disney baby, then I tuned out my mouth so nothing came out. I STFU and walked away to think. I wrote it down. Whatever I have to do.
And making a plan to stop from crossing that line and understanding where my crossing point is? Am I on the right path here or still not understanding?
You got it! In psychological terms it's called a pattern interrupt. Something you can introduce as an extra step. Something that causes you to think before action. Some mechanisms that become a habit, after all that what self control is, introducing habits that give pause. If after pausing (for a least 10-15 minutes because that causes your feelings (hormones) to dissipate. It removes the urgency.
The mechanism is called flooding, the rush of hormones into the body. I made a post on it somewhere, if I can find it I will link. If not I'll repost. Some of us are more prone to flooding than others. Our bodies react more strongly to prime feelings. It can cause mood swings and this will be more intense if you aren't eating properly, your physiology can feel very rough if it hasn't got the full micronutrients.
PICK YOUR BATTLES...very important for me to remember....i am an arguer so i will argue with anyone about anything...bad bad habit.
Again it's not anger that's the problem! If you can introduce a pause then that new habit will give you space, just perhaps to say "@rses asses" and move on.
I agree controlling and negative need 180's I will have to give more thought to that and get back to you. Seems so easy in my head I will not control not such an easy action!
There isn't anything easy in this. You have had these patterns all your life, they serve you and that's why you do them. They are habit. They no longer serve you. But they are behaviours and these can change. It takes 21 days to change a behaviour so they say. In my experience that's nonsense, a realisation can change behaviour on a dime. Once a key piece fits, bang, behaviour changes. You cannot unknow.
I read CD No More and am working in that work book and the relationship rescue (dr phil) workbook. I did see the author of CD has a 12 step book. I have been trying to find resources on a support group but closest one is an hour away so looking into other options maybe an online support group?
It is worth while travelling the hour to attend your first meeting, then decide. One meeting and you can know. Once there you can ask what others found useful and especially ask if there something nearer or free resources near your location, you may find a car pooler and might capture a few useful telephone numbers.
In actual fact any related twelve step would do you. I have a friend who goes to Alanon because there isn't a coDa group near her. Plus you have FOO issues relating to alcohol. FOO =Family of Origin Issues. You are perfectly entitled to attend a 12 step group for the family and affected by the use of alcohol. These Alanon groups are usually more prevelant. You might want to post to Mustardseed as I recollect she attended 12 step AAnnon for FOO reasons. PP and Joe have both 12 stepped.
I will google post traumatic growth I am also looking for a support group for ACoA again an hour away but will look for something online. I have also researched a couple of books on the topic just want to make sure they have some true value.
I personally found codependency for dummies most useful. Mainly because it was full of exercises. Some of which worked for me, some didn't. I also recommend CBT which is very practically based (the get.gg charity website has amazing resources on it.)
Zeus recommended I see that movie also. I did go see it and posted to him what I thought about it in the last thread I do believe. It was a very good movie for being a kids movie. It made me realize your emotions do not have to control you. you can feel them but you do not have to feel just one of them all of the time. It will be a movie I will purchase when it comes out on DVD!
Apologies I missed that, or haven't put it in my notes. I will own this too. I have been to see it 3 times so far already. I love it as you can tell.
poor decisions was vague I hate making decisions period. But I will learn to feel comfortable with my decisions.
I will? If you order yourself, your contrary nature will object! plus if you don't decide the choice will be taken from you. Others or fate will do it. So then you have effectively chosen to let others randomly decide, you are responsible for that neglect,more than a concious decision. Some matters are unimportant that any decision is acceptable and others you can decide but really the decision isn't yours.
You may or may not feel comfortable. I think it's much better to say " that was my decision, made with my best efforts and knowledge. I accept the consequences, good or bad. I did my best." Think acceptance rather than comfort. Decisions can change too. You know you can say " I changed my mind" or " that was out of my control, nothing I decided will work. I choose to move on"
I feel this may be a part of the abuse (emotional from my parents) as no matter what I did it was always wrong therefor I live in that same fear now. Learned behavior that I can re-learn!
You had no control over this. You were a child. It's better to heal from it and thrive. Use this to propel you forward, you don't want your child to be damaged by your current behaviour, especially if triggered by abuse in your childhood. Time to lead for your child.
Over weight_ I won a bike at the races and the kids motivate me to go ride it! this is controllable I just need to CHOOSE to do it!
Yes, a follow that up with a plan. God gave you the gift! I am minded of the story of a man in a flood, he came to lock up his house, and the fire brigade came along offering him a lift, he said "God, will save me". The waters rose to the window and a boat came along,again he said "God will save me" then to the roof and a helicopter came " God will save me". As he was drowning he said "God, you didn't save me" and God said " I sent you a truck, a boat and a plane, what more do you want?".
God sent you a bicycle.
I feel I am emotionally dependent on ex. again Learned and I could un-learn and re-learn He does not need to control how I feel I can feel good about myself without him!
Unless you are enslaved or in prison without physical freedom, no one controls you, even then if you read Vicktor Frankls book 'mans search for meaning', no one will control you. Your spew is an anger reaction, it serves you well, it's like a dress with an irritating label and lining, it tells you your boundaries are infringed and you don't like it.
I have been trying to feel my emotions and sort out which they are. I am so used to only feeling anger and being angry or feeling sad.
The others are there, you just haven't named them. It's important to know your feelings. This comes with observation and knowledge, both of which are I your care.
There really has not been any other emotions that I pin pointed.
Happy, contempt (disgust!) try those next.
I know they were there but that does not mean I allowed myself to feel them!
You will have felt them, just not named them.
Areas I need to heal 1. Anger (a feeling you can't heal this!) 2. Abuse 3. controlling/negative behavior 4. Heal from all of the infidelity 5. Heal Trust issues This isn't something you should try to heal either. It's your internal warning system and its valuable. Instead think of setting strong boundaries. Not a healing issue. an action, yes a secondary event, but not a healing issue. 6. Self worth/self-esteem(Self esteem is not something you can heal, deal with the other things and this one takes care of its self. It's a result not a healing issue.
These two, (self esteem and self worth) are very different. Self esteem is about measuring the value of what you do and self worth is your internal "island" about who you are.
Self esteem is a measure of your internal state, a little like a thermometer reads temperature, you don't change the thermometer reading by working on the thermometer, the temperature is what it is. Self esteem isn't worth working on, besides high self esteem is prevalent in many anti social psychopaths, and low self esteem in many saints! Self worth (care) is very important.)
That leaves you with three healing issues, nos 2, 3 and 4 only, I think so. An action plan for healing each of these would be useful. no 6 is a lifestyle choice : self worth through extreme self care, nutrition, exercise, sleep, meditations or mindfulness( inward though, outward observation) healing from the physiology up.
I will give those and keep thinking. I know I will need to chose one or two at a time I just want to make sure I am on the right path! Is this what you were thinking?
Yes, I wanted clarity for you, so your time and energy are directed to the things you can heal and are most effective. So no 2,3 and 4 would be my personal priority if I were in your shoes.
Consider IC to move you along faster and 12 steps doesn't have to be coDa, initially Alanon would be helpful if that's nearer and you can move forward on FOO alcohol issues.
What tools can I usedo I need to heal: 1. I can chose forgiveness myself by owning only those things which are mine to own 2. I have booked counselling for my healing and I start next week 3. I have decided to face problems and not push them down (love this one) by noticing the feeling involved, using a journal, booking IC, introducing a pattern interrupt by giving myself 'space' ,going to exercise intensively on my bicycle etc 4. My newacceptance is through detachment and I will wait 15 minutes before responding to a trigger
again right path?
I have added some clarity to make it easier to convert these into your own goal statements. You will know that which is more appropriate as healing for you, my words are illustrative only. I hope that's helpful. I really want you to succeed in this.
I will have to put more thought into the goals. I will try to have them soon!
