*need help*

[Zues126]

First of all there is a reality that you may not be able to require OW never lays eyes on you, and that starting a losing war about this may not be worth what it does to the kids. But for now let's assume you truly need to.

H-are you going to meet us?

Me-nope..either you take her car here by yourself or if ya'll both come she stays parked on the road and you come to the door and get them..she is not allowed on this property

Why not "If you want to swing over you can pick them up. I'd prefer OW wasn't there at handoffs, but if she's coming along I ask that she at least hang in her car until after I say goodbye to the kids. Anyway, glad you're coming over, they're excited to see you, what time will you be here?"

H-oh you're going to be like that

M-I too you I don't want to be around her..nobody would want to be

First you shouldn't have been 'like that', but now that we're here, how about "You're right, that didn't come out very sweetly. I'm sorry I'm not conducting myself more gracefully, I am still having a hard time with some of this. That will change, until then I appreciate you accommodating this request, thank you."

H-oh ok you're going to be like that

M-you know damn good and well if I left you and the kids for another man you wouldn't want to be around him

See above response.

H-if he treated the girls good I'd have to respect him..you're going to have to respect her because she respects you

M-I can't believe I'm having this conversation..its cruel and heartless that you soul want me to be around her

This just isn't going anywhere. He gets to pick who he wants to spend time with. He clearly doesn't care, and yelling at him won't change his feelings. It will just make you look like the crazy one. Instead, if you got here in, what about "You're right, I don't get to control who you want to be with or who you decide to invite into the children's lives, and some of that is difficult to accept." I don't think you're ready to 'truth dart' without going off the handle, but I might add "And while I may not be able to respect a woman that is willing to participate in the destruction of a family, for the love of the children I agree it's not ideal to expose them to animosity."

H-it's not about you..i want to get my girls and I can't drive my truck I'm in her car..you need to cooperate BC you're a parent too and you should at least meet us halfway

M-look I will cooperate with you but I don't have to be around her..amd i never said you couldn't get the kids..and I don't have to meet you my van is breaking down and it's your responsibility to come get them and nobody else wants to be around y'all either BC you know how we feel about what you did

All of this judgment is getting nowhere. You are making yourself ugly. Just tell him "I agree we need to work together to make these transitions smooth. I'm unable to meet halfway today because I have some vehicle troubles. Tell you what, if you can pick them up this time, before next visit we can put together an agreeable schedule so you not only know when you'll be with your children, we'll know how the handoffs will go as well. Is that fair?"

H-*screaming* oh nobody else wants to be around us?! I don't care!

M-look call me tomorrow and I'll let you know what I decide..bye

Talking in terms of mutual agreements is collaborative. This last sentence is very controlling and unilateral. Worse, it is in the context of controlling the way in which he can see his children, which is dangerously close to using the kids to control or punish him.

All of this is very judgmental, angry, and controlling.

I get it. You're angry. And you're not satisfied with his choices. Being angry at things you can't control is natural, but it won't help you now.

Look, I'm not asking you to change everything overnight. If you take away one thing from this it's that attachment=pain=anger=loss of control=more rejection.

Nip this at the root and learn to let him go a little here, let go of being the righteous suffering martyr, and DON'T vilify him.

Read my last post on BT's thread. She's a great example of someone who's really come a long ways with dealing with her anger. Similar situation, her WAH even brought his affair partner into her bed while she was out- AFTER she asked him point blank to NOT do that!

It's a long journey, I'm not expecting you to get there tonight. But keep posting regularly, and start moving that direction. And don't get eaten by an alligator. Those things don't mess around.