On to Part V.

[TLEE86]

I truly believe this is the last straw for me and Im done. I cant deal with her indecisiveness and her fickle emotions anymore. She's just dragging me through the mud and I'm letting her.

So contrary to divorce papers, she and I started writing in this online journal together that only we have access to. She and I used to write in it when i was in afghanistan and it was just a nice way to share our thoughts with each other when we couldn't really communicate.

So we started writing in it again. and boy did she write some things.

- She wrote that she compares this guy to me all the time, and he's just not the same. That i just have a level of comfort and calmness that just wraps around her like a blanket
- That she thinks about being in a different place every day and not staying where she is, and that she thinks about coming here to TX
- That she wonders if me and her could work again, that it would be fun to be apart of the military life again.
- That we would both need to seriously forgive each other for things and really recommit to each other for it to work
- She even wrote that she and this guy had a huge fight this past sunday and she told him she would get her own place and she was moving out and would let him know what her plans were once she found a place.
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That was last week. Now this week, its different. she doesnt nearly write as much in the journal, if at all. and she went back and deleted every entry she wrote about us potentially getting back together.

i dont [censored] get it. i feared this would happen. it always does. when we see each other, emotions surge and things are nice for a week. then she still stays where she is at and emotions die again. until we see each other again.

my counselor said the journal was good, that for the first time in a year she's expressing her true emotions to me over an indirect, non-confrontational forum. that she's talking about unhappiness with this person and even threatened to leave.

yet she makes no movement to do so (granted this was sunday), and actually deleted everything she wrote. does she not understand that when she writes this stuff i actually read it and take it to heart? that this journal is an honest way to share?

I'm tired of having my emotions dragged through the mud. i thought the journal was good too. until now. because now its just more...of an emotional roller coaster as she deals with her own emotions. and i just get pulled in even more for the ride.

im seriously about to just sign the divorce papers, tell her i love you but this is your choice and I'm not about to keep getting dragged through this roller coaster, and i wish you nothing but the best. i want to do this. but i don't know if i can