Let's All Be Like Coffee

[Zues126]

I agree completely BT. Yeah, for me to say PD's aren't bad for relationships wasn't well stated. I think we're on the same page on this one.

By the way, I appreciate the positive comment. You know, one of my biggest needs is just to be ok. Be good enough. Do it right. I try hard all day, every day. When I get a genuine compliment it puts wind in my sails.

Meanwhile I've been getting text messages from STBX, they are just fatiguing. This is not an exaggeration- in the last year if you totaled the sum of all of her communication with me in text/email it is entirely negative and critical. Nothing over the top, but if you read what she writes you can tell the tone is consistently expressing things like "sigh, I have to deal with this guy", or "eyeroll, make sure to get this right", or "I don't want to talk to you but someone has to tell you how to parent", etc, etc.

I love games, but when there's a game and no matter what you do you can't win, at some point you have to stop playing. Particularly when losing comes with a sting. There was nothing I wanted to do more in the world then love and honor STBX as my wife for the rest of our lives. Obviously I failed to do that in the ways she needed, and obviously I didn't leave her despite our problems. The point is this woman has criticized me to a point that I have had to mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically close her off from me in every way to protect myself. When I get these texts now I just shake my head and thank the stars above I don't have to live with that.

Without the confidence that I can earn people's acceptance, I can't feel safe or be emotionally vulnerable with them, and I have to close them off and demote their words so they don't hurt me. Meanwhile when someone shows that I can earn their approval, it makes me want to walk through walls to not let them down. Maybe that's a human thing, maybe it's a guy thing, maybe that's a me thing...or maybe all of the above but more so for me than for most (which is why I fight so hard to do a good job). I do think (many) guys are like puppies that just want to be 'good dogs'.

BT, I think you've done a great job finding ways to be positive more and more of the time, even at a time when finding something to be positive about can be like trying to find an Alligator in Minnesota. But no matter how bad your WAH is treating you, and walking out on the M is hard to top, when you can manage through the pain, keep quiet when there's nothing positive to say, and still find a way to say a few good words when there is something good to say (instead of withholding them because he doesn't deserve them until he does much more)...that is a big win for you. Your heart will feel lighter, and I think the men in your life will light up.

Yes, all of this bubbled out of me from one casual compliment.

In the meantime BT, I'd like to know more about what you're saying your PD is. Are you saying you're afraid of rejection and avoidant? How has this played out? What would you do differently or what are you trying to do differently?