Alligator Love

[Zues126]

I watched an episode of "Outer Limits" once where the main character was going crazy...or was he? He was in a psych ward, and doctors were giving him medication, and they were treating some medical condition that required a surgery. But then he'd hallucinate, and the doctor's face would turn into an alien face, and there would be aliens vivisecting him. And he'd freak out. But then there would be the doctor again, and he would think he was going crazy some times. But other times he was terrified of what he thought might be going on.

That's how I feel.

Half the time I feel like my L is completely disengaged, is making monumental mistakes that could be extremely detrimental to me, that the follow up, communication, urgency, professionalism, and council have all been horrible. I feel I need to get a new lawyer, that I can't just sit back and let my fear of this conflict cause me to accept a settlement that will impact me negatively for many years, and potentially impact my time with my family.

The other half the time I think that it's the system that is broken, that doctors/lawyers/psychiatrists are just overbooked, turning people through high speed mills, personal attention and care is a luxury that can't be afforded, and that this capitalistic society and the system itself is at fault, and my L is actually a good L and person trying her best to be humane in the midst of a terrible process, and if she hasn't been more communicative it's because she doesn't want to ring up thousands more in expenses by having unnecessary conversations when things are going the way they should.

This week I've been flipping back and forth between the doctor and the alien, and it is scary. I am too emotional and not objective. I've talked to my friend that referred me to her to get an outside view. It is hard to tell. I don't want to be vivisected. But I don't want to jump off an operating table and stab a doctor with a scalpel either...

I sent an email to my L that basically expressed that. Cliff notes: "I don't understand A/B/C/D (specific examples of things troubling me). But I will make some assumptions. I will assume W/X/Y/Z (that she has good reasons and is doing a great job and handling it as well as possible)."

I ended with "I would like to speak with you as soon as possible to confirm those assumptions".

It's funny, I can't share the details, but I wrote it last night, and when I read it this morning it PERFECTLY summed up my concerns, while still being balanced and admitting that I may be an emotionally over-reactive layperson that needed to STFU, and that it was hard for me to tell so I just needed to express what was bothering me.

So I've dealt with this for 5-10 hours this week. Meanwhile my sales job...July/August were so good I feel guilty. September is starting super slow. Frustrating. I need to make deals to get my rush.

I am off tomorrow so this is my "Friday night". Now I am super exhausted, spent, empty, depleted. Very down. Lonely. This morning I was smiling on my way to appointments and marveling at how resilient we humans can be. Now I just wish I could take a time out from feeling this way. I am tired of having to be resilient. It has been so hard for so long in so many ways.

I joked with a friend, I was trying to cheer myself up on the way home so when I saw some road kill I tried thinking to myself "it could be worse, I could be that rabbit that got run over by an 18 wheeler", but then I found myself thinking "Uh. That sounds like PARADISE. I would kill to be that rabbit run over by an 18 wheeler"...that's when I knew it was going to be a tough night.

Anyway, my heart goes out to all of you on DB forums. If I could soak up your pain I would. Instead know that I care about all of you, and if it makes you feel better, please know that you've held my hand through some dark times and as painful as it's been I'm grateful not to be alone.

Alligators can't hold hands.