Thank you to all and goodbye to my W

[Matt777]

Thank you for taking the time to reply in such detail Mozza. I'd like to take some time to reply to some of the things you say.

Thanks for the update, Matt777. It still escapes me how someone you know could stumble upon this thread, even if your real name was Matt. Perhaps you could explain? Who would type what into a search engine and, most importantly, under what motivation? Whose father, friend, in-laws or cousin is searching online to see if someone they know is sharing some juicy details about their D? And how would they find this? Unless you've used real names of course, but the board seems to delete these posts. As others have told you, I believe your W is trying to make you feel guilty for it, as many WAS do to cover their own guilt. There is no reason for you to feel bad for sharing anonymously, but it appears that you still let your W decide how you should feel, or want her to believe she does.

I understand this. I certainly agree with many of your points about guilt. There are really 2 reasons that I've made this decision. The first is that she had asked me not to post things, and I want to honor that request. But the second is that I found that by posting about my interactions and R with her in such detail, I wasn't able to truly let go. I became so focused on her that I lost sight of what was really important - me.

I'm not especially impressed in your virtuous desire to avoid the dating scene. It sounds a lot like a good excuse to avoid confronting your fears and, probably, the behaviors that got you here. You say in the same post that it's awfully difficult for you to interact socially and your victories are when others approach you, like the fantasy league. What you need to become a better person is to confront your fears: you need to approach these guys and ask them if you can join. Even if they say no, that will be a victory for you anyway. You will have learn to express your desires and to take responsibility to have them fulfilled. Imagine what will happen over time if you learn to do this.

A better way to approach dating would be to put yourself out there and be honest. Approach women who interest you and don't promise more than you can offer. Not need to start with "Hi, my name is Matt777 and I'm not over my W yet", just not to lie, especially not to promise undying love until you can. There are women out there who are perfectly comfortable with your situation and won't feel betrayed that you don't want to marry them or that you still love your W for now. Accept that some others will find you less-than-good. Their perception is not your responsibility but your happiness is and yours alone.

First, with regards to dating, I see what you are saying. I'm not trying to be virtuous. But I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to put myself into the position of dating someone while in the D process. I am not over my first relationship, so why rush into this one. I'm enjoying my time GAL, with my kids, and alone. I will take your advice when the time is right though - thank you for that.

As for your read on my interactions with my new friends, I may not have expressed myself clearly. My excitement is not about being approached per se. It's not about this specific thing. It's that I did ask to join (by going to this game night), and that I've fit in enough to take my friendship with these people to other areas of my life. It's that they were interested in being with me socially outside of this organized, free, public event. I didn't know this league existed, so I wasn't going to ask them to join it. Yes, I probably could have approached them again to do something else outside of the game night...and that is something I need to work on. But for now, I'm mostly excited by what Zelda wrote ^^^. Knowing that I'm not dead. Knowing that I do have things to offer and that people will respond to it.

If you haven't already, I strongly suggest that you take a look at the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. You crave being told that you're a nice person, that you're worthy of love, that you're doing the right thing. What you want, your desires, what makes you happy, all these come last. It's almost shameful to think that you could wake up with the plan to make yourself happy. If so, you really need a good think about it because you might end up in the same place of hurt not long from here. For now, I'll just say that nice guys are not that nice after all and many of them end up in a D, like us.

I will look into the book. I haven't read it but I've heard a lot of good reviews. Thank you for your recommendation. I will have to consider your thoughts here some more and think on how I really act, think, and feel.