Six to Nine

[Vanilla]

Just, it's something that's necessary for WW to go through. Consequences. Her choice.

Just offering a big hug.

V

[mahhhty]

As usual... true... Thanks ((V))!

[mahhhty]

Bringing the kids to meet here at 11 tomorrow. Casual, confident, and quiet. I need to do more listening than talking. Wish me luck.

[Vanilla]

Make sure you look your best, plus a great after shave.

Then go have great fun and hugs lots and lots of hugs with your kids.


V

[mahhhty]

I did V. Best foot forward right???

Saturday our plan was to meet the bookstore/coffee shop at 11. My D was excited, she kept calling it family day... That was gut wrenching! I arrived early with the kids and grabbed smoothies while walking main st. When we approached the bookstore she was already there.

The entire visit was cordial, some jokes and musings while we grabbed a coffee and the kids picked out books. It wasn't all that comfortable but it was familiar and easy.

After the kids picked out books, we sat outside and talked about her disease. She got emotional a couple of times but never cried, I'm sure the kids helped her in that respect. I tried to speak less and ask more questions. I reinforced her stronger qualities through different validating sentences. Overall, I can tell she is hurting and is also more comfortable with me. At the end I put the car seats in her car, loaded in the munchkins and saw her pause by her door. I initiated a hug and said another validating sentences. Then left.

That was the first hug since Christmas.

I'm not sure exactly what to make out of all this. It's a lot to digest. I do know that she is fully living with her decision now and probably on some level feels alone and lonely.

[mahhhty]

I haven't been posting all that much lately. I've been really withdrawn from the DB community, offering very little advice or support to people in the forums. I'm sorry for that. I've been trying to do more of the things I enjoy.

It's been a year now since she told me she wanted a D, and 10 months since she left. Its been an eventful 10 months.

Days and/or Mornings without the kids are still the most difficult. The silence is deafening. My lack of structure on these days just promotes the struggle with motivation for working from home. I know I've made a lot of progress, but I have a ways to go. I realize it is about the journey. Perhaps this is just one of those days.

[rdken]

Good to hear from you mahhhty. You're doing it! Keep up the good work and the changes in yourself. It's a long journey and we're her with you for the ride.

[mahhhty]

rdken - thank you!

[mahhhty]

Its been a thought provoking couple of months to say the least.

X's kidney disease has been on my mind. I always thought that I would donate my kidney to her. Now I am torn between going to get tested or waiting to see if the kids come down with the disease and donating to them (which is more appropriate).

She still mostly only communicates when something is required from her perspective. Lately I think her lack of communication, remorse and caring (or reaching out) on any level has bothered me more than usual. This is her busy time at work as well, and as such she has lost significant time with the kids. My relationship with them has never been stronger. Money has been tight. But I am figuring it out. Also, a week ago she started posting to Facebook again. I checked it out and saw that most if not all of our pictures from over the years are still there. I find it somewhat shocking. For the most part I do not reach out. I do not provide her any information. I look my best. I am happy, light and adapt to the situation. I am the rock for my kids and blow off anything and everything to spend more time with them. I will be finishing the letter in the next week and then I'll reach out to her about delivery.

I was pretty disinterested in posting tonight, but that does feel good to get it out.

[mahhhty]

Thursday I chaperoned my sons pre preschool field trip. Friday I chaperoned my daughters preschool field trip. Then took the kids to the circus with my folks. Laid low Saturday and spent 6 hrs at the country fair today.

I love those kids.

I'm wiped.