Trust will be hard, I imagine. I think it is okay to honor that and move slow as you are comfortable and not try to push past 'lizard breaths or thoughts.' I believe your paranoia is justifiable. And I do not want to negatively add to it, but I can say wolves often appear in sheep's clothing. My dear gentle X had all those lovely qualities that you describe, and unfortunately only time will tell.
Thinking of you, Gg. Keep your eyes and heart wide open. I fear we end up with turds because we turn blind, overly-understanding eyes their way too often.
I think of that quote, a bird's trust is not on the branch she stands on, but her wings. If he does cheat and turns into something else, you'll know it was not you and that you have been through worse...Next please.
Perhaps when enough time has passed and the lizard part of your self relaxes enough, you'll know he's worth more investment. I believe it will happen with quite a bit of synergy if its a good thing for you.
Do you see a professional at all? Ever? I know how it feels to not be able to trust your own judgement. Lately i laugh with my girlfriends - "I wouldn't even know 'normal' anymore" - I'd say if you feel stuck and unable to relax for no good reason, maybe it is worth considering after a time?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
