Thank you for reaching out my friend. I have been thinking about you as well and wanted to reach out. I will do that on your thread.
Things are ok, for the most part my W and I get along, I have unfortunately confronted her a few times about the OM she has been texting (making mistakes, and not learning from them). I know that this coupled with speaking about the R has been detrimental to what I ultimately would want. I decided to start distancing myself, focusing on me, working on my PMA, and still GAL.
The problem that I see is that my W tries to pull me back when she sees that I am moving away, commenting on my pictures on FB, texting me random things that the kids would do or questions, telling me that my S7 asks for me, etc. Even thought we had a conversation speaking to putting a bit of distance. Confuses me to heck.
I have been listening to Joel Osteen and I am really loving his sermons. Have also started putting together an inspiration wall to help me shift my mental state. Still crying from time to time when it gets too much, always in private, never in front of W.
My IC has been on vacation when he returns I plan on shifting our sessions to begin addressing my issues and no longer the M, I know I am having problems letting go of the R, trying to remember that this M is over and what I want and hope for is a new and better M. I need to work on my own faults, understand where my fear is coming from, why do I do the things I do.
Sorry, it kinda all just poured out. I hope all is well with you my friend. God Bless you for reaching out to me. I truly appreciate it.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Today I am feeling a bit better. But I have had some hard times shaking this tendency to control habit that I have. I want to hold on too tight when I should be letting go.
Yesterday, we had an argument which I probably started and entertained, I am not proud of it, but felt she was taking advantage of me once more. She asked if I can stay with the kids while she did her nails and went to Yoga, I agreed. Reached out to her to ask if she will be back on time for an appointment that I had, she responds with "well, I'll call you back when I am ready." I told her that she new that I needed to make this appointment. She pushed back because she said she needed her time, although, we both have our schedule, and she had to work on her days, she feels that she deserves more of "her time". I told her that she should be home at 6pm, because am dropping the kids off. A few minutes passed since we spoke and I thought better of it, so I wrote to her "I am going to take the kids with me, enjoy your time"
After the appointment, I brought the kids home, and she walked in about 45 minutes later. I tried to ignore her, until she requested that I take some clothes she has been wanting to get rid of to my mother's house. I told her "No, I won't be doing that, and if you want to take them you are more than welcome to", she replied "(laugh) Ok!"; after that I proceeded to tell her that if she wants her space, that I need her to stay out of the house when I am here. This led to the argument, and she basically started ignoring me by being on her phone. This is where I lost my temper, and snatched the phone from her hand, and asked her to please listen to me (controlling issues here). Needless to say, that after everything was said and done, I immediately regretted my actions.
I apologized the next day. She asked if I was passing by the house in the morning, and I replied "No, I won't be passing by, I'll see the kids when I pick them up"; 2 hours later she writes back that there is no food for breakfast for the kids, so of course I caved and went and got it. Only to then be criticized for what I bought them. A few moments passed and she goes on to tell me that she doesn't want to see me, and that if she could she would signed the divorce papers right now, because she is done with me. I told her, if you didn't want to see me, why did you call to ask me to pick up food for the kids? why didn't you get it yourself?
I know that I keep on making the same mistakes, I am looking at the reasons for my controlling behavior, and my lack of control of my emotions, especially anger. My IC has been on vacation for a month.
Sorry, just needed to journal and get this out of my head and heavy heart.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
EMMess, sorry to hear you keep backpeddling, you really have to control your emotions. Don't let her boss you around, sometimes not saying a thing to her is the best thing.
Pretend she is a roommate and treat her a such. She is no longer your wife, you need to understand that, she needs to do things on her own for herself and so do you.
Keep GAL and journaling, it helps a lot!
Keep praying, be patient, slow to anger, no point in pushing her further away...
I am new here, just received my book, and have been reading the blogs for only a week now. (Plus taking MANY notes!)
I am so glad to see you that mentioned church! I feel like God is an integral part of the healing required here, not to mention any marriage.
*Not to offend anyone of other faiths... just want to give kudos for now!
This is an awesome site and I really appreciate the book as well as the hearts of the people on here.
Thanks!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Thank you SParker. I am sorry that you find yourself here, but this is a great place to get support and great advice. I will catch up on your sitch if you have began posting, if not, I would recommend you begin, it helps tremendously.
ILYNOT,
I know what you mean. I happen to be very critical of myself, so when I backpeddle I tend to then chastise myself for it. Something I am working on as well, forgiving myself.
I am now looking into why am I not in control of my emotions, of myself. It seems as if I want to control the situation or my W, knowing full well that those are things/people I do not have control over. I am quick to anger which is something I am not proud of, so I am going to continue to work on it. Any thoughts on anger management? I don't want to of course give my W any ammunition in case she decides to head to court, etc.
I have also started working hard on PMA, trying to reinforce nothing but positive thoughts, work on rewriting some of my negative ones, which tend to drive my anxiety.
On another note, I don't understand why my W would reach out to me giving me pointers on where to take a date once I have one. For instance, she had a team building event for work in a Thai restaurant, she had lots of fun. I reached out to her because she had an appointment for some stomach problems she has been having, when she responds she basically sends me a picture of her in the kitchen, tells me its lots of fun, and when and if I have a date to bring her there. I am thinking she is temp checking to get a response like, no you are the only woman I want to be with and I am not dating anyone.
If they don't care anymore, why bother....
Thank you for reading my post and your great advice.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I have been working everyday on my PMA, reminding myself how life is great, things to be grateful for, telling myself how I am forgiven for my past mistakes, how I am happy at the moment. Just faking it till I make it.
Today has been a difficult day. I just keep thinking that my W is there texting the OM everyday (she told me she would be backing off from that) because of something she said yesterday while we had a light and breezy conversation. I have been fighting this thought all day today, and the urge to ask any questions. I know this is silly because I honestly don't know if that is the case.
I miss my W, she is going out tonight with friends, told her this morning to enjoy her night. I am letting her continue her path as I can't control that. I am working on controlling my urges, impulses, and emotions; I really want to change this about myself. So a lot of work to do there.
Anywho, just wanted to let that out....Thank you for reading. God Bless
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Wow she is so similar to my W, the reason she is telling you where you should take your date out on one is so she can feel less guilty once and if do ever have another partner. She wants to feel at peace for what she is doing, she knows its wrong but wants to blame it on you and feel like she made the right choice. Their logic is completely twisted.
My W also insinuated that she is texting OM, she said her messages were not going through and I told her well you're not texting me and the kids are at school so you must have someone else ur texting, she simply replied "sure" I didn't go any further, what for, she got caught. Either way, yes it bothers us but really what can we do, NOTHING!
Move forward with our lives, when if they ever do want to come back it will be OUR choice then.
Do you mean she says it so that when she decides to move on and have another partner she doesn't feel guilty? Or that if I ever have one, she won't feel guilty?
It is crazy, I am nowhere near being ready for that. I know so because I think about my sitch, and my W everyday, and everyday I get down. I have to work on my PMA, and GAL in order for me to feel somewhat normal.
I am sorry to hear that she started indicating that there might be OM in the picture. It [censored] when you know have to deal with that as well as your feelings about the M dying.
Lets focus on moving forward and getting our lives together brotha.... I hope you are doing well, and God Bless
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
They feel guilty and agry and so many other feelings right now. They want you to mive on with another person so it justifies them NOT loving you/leaving you in their minds, so they don't feel guilty and they feel they actually made life better for the both of you therefore feeling good about what they did. They are very complicated right now.
So a rough day yesterday. Just felt down all day, couldn't get the fact that I know she is talking and flirting with guys out of my head. I know that I shouldn't be focused on her, but it seems that I have become obsessive over this whole situation. I keep having these intrusive negative thoughts that just pop up. I am trying to work on my PMA but can't seem to be doing a great job.
I am still hung up on her, and what she is doing. I see her and she acts very happy and living life to the fullest. Tries to tell me how life is good and how I will eventually come to realize that this is for the best for us both. I know life is beautiful, but I can't get out of my depression over all of this. I am trying, everyday, day by day.
Yesterday, she and my S7 had an appointment with the dentist, she contacted me and asked me to cancel the appointment for S7 as he was going to the zoo. I asked her to please drop off the baby at my mother's house as she was coming in this direction, that set her off, saying that we didn't discuss it, and how she thought that I was going to over and pick him up. She gave me this whole thing about how she has not been able to eat due to the baby, but I am like, ok, what do you want me to do? I manage to eat just find when I am taking care of both of the children. Sorry just needed to get this out of my head, just too much there.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
