Hope, reading your signature, I wonder if the person who is taking the initiative to repair the R can't 'afford' to feel that it's too hard, while their partner, who is asked to participate, can allow themselves to feel that.
I do feel sometimes that it's overwhelming, that H and I are just too different as individuals to make it work (it seems we have become more different as time goes by, or maybe H has stopped hiding who he really was all along), but I don't feel that the work is too hard for me - it's more that I wonder if we have the basic connection that even makes us want to be together. If I had met H today, I would probably never have wanted to pursue a relationship - our values, views and temperaments are so opposite that even the counselor wondered how on earth we ended up together.
Good job on recognizing the tone in yourself!
Yeah, I think you are right that it is probably far less likely that the person wanting to fix the R is going to feel like it is too much to fix. They have to, overall, stay more positive or they wouldn't be committed to saving the R. But for me, even though I really want this R to work for us, I do sometimes see all we have created and what huge hurdles we have to jump over to get to where we need to be. It isn't daily but it is periodically. Not sure if H feels this way... probably sometimes.
Are there any things that attracted you to him that could still be there? Are there new parts of him that you like? I would focus on those things. If you're going to stick together you have to find things you like about him. Also, you might look into doing some fun new things together. Something that you could develop into a new hobby or form of entertainment that would be something that connects you- dance lessons, kayaking, skiing, skydiving, gardening, bike riding, hiking, etc, etc. Those are random things & none may interest you both, but find something you guys haven't ever done, interests both of you, & could do together. I think it is important to do some fun things & create some happy moments in order to pave the way for the hard R work. And something new is extra special because it is something that just you two share, & are both learning about it at the same time.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Also, you might look into doing some fun new things together. Something that you could develop into a new hobby or form of entertainment that would be something that connects you- dance lessons, kayaking, skiing, skydiving, gardening, bike riding, hiking, etc, etc. Those are random things & none may interest you both, but find something you guys haven't ever done, interests both of you, & could do together. I think it is important to do some fun things & create some happy moments in order to pave the way for the hard R work. And something new is extra special because it is something that just you two share, & are both learning about it at the same time.