Thanks Azzork, but I can't see how it wouldn't make a difference if I make these changes now. Some of them are directly related to how we interact. Showing her I can communicate better than before, I think that is important.
She is noticing my changes (and has a couple times mentioned it and asked me about it), Even if she suspects it is only for her benefit, I still think this would be better than if I just kept doing everything the way I was before.
I agree that she's not going to change her mind in the next 5 weeks. She has bought a house. She is moving there. I am telling myself this is a necessary step in the process. she has to test out the other side of the fence and see if the grass is greener before she is ever going to think about coming back. that is partly my coping mechanism, to think of it that way, but it is also logical. So I don't expect my 180s to make her change her mind and not move out. it's too late for that. But I do think/hope that it will have some impact on how she thinks of me once she is gone, even if just minimal. And anyway, i'm not just doing it for her. I've learned everything isn't black and white. It's OK if I'm motivated partially to make these changes for her, but I also recognize they are good changes I'm glad I'm making for myself. For example, I used to sleep in in the morning and I never saw her or the kids in the morning. Now I am getting up early and making the kids breakfast. It's great to have time to see the kids in the morning. It also is showing my wife one more of the many things that have changed about me.
I think this is an important thing. If I just kept sleeping in in the morning, being a bad communicator, not listening to her ideas, not reacting with anger, (and many other things) she would have no reason to even consider coming back here, ever. If she has multiple reasons to recognize that I have changed, I think it changes things. If her image of me is exactly the same as I was, if she ever thinks about coming back she will say "why should I do that, it will just be exactly the way it was." Now at least there is a tiny shred of thought in her mind, "well it did seem like he was changing a lot. maybe things would be better."
so I am not chatting her ear off, not bending over backwards to do things for her, I need to show her my changes. It's not a fake play I put on though... it's who I am becoming. For example, I'm using my communication skills and not reacting with anger, not just with her. I do it with my kids too. So it is good for everyone. And I think she notices when she hears me communicating with the kids. It can't be hurting my cause.
