The first step to healing is admitting there is a problem. So here we go. The problem is mine to own. I can only own my half and I can only control my half. I admit and accept I am controlling, negative, co-dependent, an Adult Child of An Alcoholic, Sexual Abuse survivor, Physical and mental Abuse Survivor, Depressed, Angry, Anxious, Poor at making decisions, not a present parent, over weight, finanically and emotionally dependent!I know sounds like I was really hard on myself but I am not being hard on myself I am digging deep looking at ME and this shall help me set my goals. If I know what I accept is wrong I know I can choose to dig deeper and work on me instead of focusing on the R or lack there of! So Goal time!
Nice job with the continued focus on you and accountability. When I read this list, though, it didn't look that bad.
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Adult Child of An Alcoholic Sexual Abuse survivor Physical and mental Abuse Survivor
These first three are things you've experienced. They contribute to your views and feelings, but they don't define you.
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Depressed Angry Anxious
These next three are how you feel a lot of the time, because of those views of the world and your situation.
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controlling negative co-dependent Poor at making decisions not a present parent over weight finanically and emotionally dependent
This last group is how you act on those feelings when inattentive. There is a lot of overlap between these as it's the same issue leaking out in different ways.
My point is that really you can boil this down to: I went through crap, and to cope I dissociated from my emotions, since when I have been trying to force someone else to take care of me so I wouldn't have to, but am now realizing that doesn't work so am learning to live with and take care of myself.
Keep focused on that and everything else will magically fall into place.
Last edited by Zues126; 09/01/1504:14 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I like how you stated that! It is so true Zeus. I will continue working towards feeling those emotions and not letting fear win.
I had an aha moment today. A while back I posted H said he was going to find someone to watch D4 durring his camping time with OW. I reacted quickly and said I would just keep her. Here are my realization/thoughts on it. Its a co-dependent/controlling idea..sadly I did not control the situation HE did. Something I learned in CD no more was that we (CD's) do not control the situation the one with the disease or compulsive behavior actually controls the situation. I reacted out of fear he would let OW watch her if he did not find someone so I jumped out of fear and said I would watch her. While this is probably better for her and for my stress/anxiety for him it was a way to control the situation whether he knew it or not. He knows the kids are my weak point and His mom is a teacher so I knew she would not take her so I knew he would likely not find anyone or make me look bad for not keeping her while he was gone by saying I was going to be home anyways taking care of my D other option was OW would watch her. I SHOULD have let him squirm try and find someone and then if he could not find anyone and said OW was watching her I could have jumped in and said I would keep her not just jump the gun on it. So lesson learned He controlled the situation by acting on my weak spot and I ALLOWED IT. It was my fault for not realizing it was only fear speaking. Lesson learned do not let him have that control I can choose to control my emotions better and let it sit for a while.
I shall congratulate myself! 18 days since we have had a disagreement or argument! That's a loooong stretch for us! It's even easier since we aren't hanging out as much and he barely talks to me but still that's great for us! Keep moving forward with me!
Your progress is really impressive 4! You are a shining star. You have provided alot of inspiration to me about things I have been sitting on a long time.
Thanks for being so sharing of yourself and your vulnerablities.
Im so glad you see and are celebrating your fabulousness!
I should not have congratulated yet. Had a very very rough day at work was very anxious when I got home and of course let one comment he made to me get to me I overreacted and an agrument ensued. All about how he hates me cant stand to be around me and he will never let his feelings for me change. So I listened to his rant about how he has lied to me before telling me he WOULD let me know if things changed and blah blah. After the argument I simply reminded myself not to believe anything he says and only half of what he does. So while it may be true I choose not to let it affect me and choose to not believe it due to it being in an argument. If it is true it is true if it is not than it isnt. I can not control him or the future I can only control the here and now. Plus I do not believe you can control those kind of emotions and I CHOOSE to believe nothing that is said during an argument because we say things we do not mean.
As for me the lesson I learned is I knew I was anxious I have medication I can take for those times I CHOOSE to think I could handle it and I now know I was wrong about that. the other thing I caught myself on was covering up the reason I was really upset. It started with a question from him about me watching the girls for the week while he camps with OW. I of course was already upset from work and this just pushed me over. When things calmed down and we started talking calmly I started to say I was upset because of him but I stopped in my tracks and said out loud to myself and him that one thing I am working on is figuring out where the feelings actually came from. So I explained I was not upset with him as I knew that was his plan I was upset about work and I let that affect me at home and took it out on him which was not his fault. I then appologized for my reaction towards him. SO in short I took it out on him when I was really angry towards work I realized this and appologized because I was wrong. That is a huge step for me because I always blame my anger on him. Instead of placing it where it should be and I also recognized even though I used anger toward him I was not actually angry with him1
I should not have congratulated yet. Had a very very rough day at work was very anxious when I got home and of course let one comment he made to me get to me I overreacted and an agrument ensued. All about how he hates me cant stand to be around me and he will never let his feelings for me change. So I listened to his rant about how he has lied to me before telling me he WOULD let me know if things changed and blah blah. After the argument I simply reminded myself not to believe anything he says and only half of what he does. So while it may be true I choose not to let it affect me and choose to not believe it due to it being in an argument. If it is true it is true if it is not than it isnt. I can not control him or the future I can only control the here and now. Plus I do not believe you can control those kind of emotions and I CHOOSE to believe nothing that is said during an argument because we say things we do not mean.
As for me the lesson I learned is I knew I was anxious I have medication I can take for those times I CHOOSE to think I could handle it and I now know I was wrong about that. the other thing I caught myself on was covering up the reason I was really upset. It started with a question from him about me watching the girls for the week while he camps with OW. I of course was already upset from work and this just pushed me over. When things calmed down and we started talking calmly I started to say I was upset because of him but I stopped in my tracks and said out loud to myself and him that one thing I am working on is figuring out where the feelings actually came from. So I explained I was not upset with him as I knew that was his plan I was upset about work and I let that affect me at home and took it out on him which was not his fault. I then appologized for my reaction towards him. SO in short I took it out on him when I was really angry towards work I realized this and appologized because I was wrong. That is a huge step for me because I always blame my anger on him. Instead of placing it where it should be and I also recognized even though I used anger toward him I was not actually angry with him1
I wouldnt get hung up on the snapped "days without an argument" streak you had. It's OK to argue sometimes. Whats more imporetant is how you respond to disagreements. It takes a big person to be able to self-reflect and admit to their wrongdoings, 4. I wish that I was able to make those kinds of realizations and be able to own to them much earlier.
