Re supporting your children. I really want to offer you something of value, I hope my small rantings below will be of some use. Feel free to ignore.
In general most of supporting teens through anything, is about listening, validating, providing space, knowing your child's usual stress responses, and looking out for new behaviours that suggest they are out of sorts - these are not always negative - some kids become over-compliant/perfect adult like. Remeber too all of this is a lesson for life. How do they take away skills and resources to apply in other areas of life now and the future.
Creating room to be approached is important, your willingness for discussion and explanations of the whys and wherefores needs to be made explict, but teens by nature dont always want talk to adults, you may find sometimes nudging them is required if you see them isolating too much. Again, ensuring their network outside of you and wife is strong. And of course remembering that they are hormonal and lack the brain development and maturity to process everything going on with everything happening for the adults in their life. Minmise this where you can.
Seperating out what is "typical" teenage behaviour and what is potential grief and loss/change management, means that you continue to maintain clear boundaries and expectations, with them. There is some flexiablity required around some issues, but kids will try it on. Your still their parent and they still need parenting. Homework and school attendnace still gets done, curfews still in place etc.
Another good suggestion is that teens (and most children to be honest), are better at talking about the hard stuff, when you are alongside them, doing an activity rather than a, potentially confronting face to face. I have had disclosures from children about their abuse, while playing on their xbox or while I have let them brush and braid my hair.
Doing an activity that is fun together, while they may hate it and resist ii, about creating connection without the pressure for it to be anything other than it is. Don't feel you have to talk about the separation/divorce all the time in order to heal the pain that might be going on underneath.
My advice to every parent who is struggling with a teen. Have faith in the parenting you did in their early years, as this is what will hold them through and build their resilency now. If your children have a strong sense of themsevles and you from a lifetime of being together there is a resource there for them and you to call on.
I know parents struggle with how their child responds to the other parent. Your children's relationship with their mother is their own, at this age and stage. You can likely only offer support, and offer them strategies to address issues they have with their mother, with their mother directly. Your children are not small U, and problem solving emotional relationship issues well, is a learned skill. Your children's mother may well be providing them the opportunity to develop these skills. Your role U, is to be their guide (hard I know when you are dad and have issues with their mother yourself), but they are your issues not theirs. Key is not to get the two confused. I do not believe this will be an issue for you, as you are quite clear about this already.
Dont be surprised if one or more the children starts to play you off against the other. This is typical teenage behaviour, outside of a divorce, it does however make things more challenging when parents are co-parenting and communication is already strained.
One of the keys to the minimisation of harm to children from divorce and separation is the communcaiton between adults. It is an oxymoron really because more often than not, the relationship between the parents has broken down for this exact issue. You will be DBing and DBing through this co-parenting. This does not change.
At the end of the day all of the above is just the skills you have been practising by DBing. None of the above is new for you U!
As important as all of the above. You dear U are just as important. This is another thing I say to parents, the more well supported and resourced you are the better for your children. You need to keep your bucket filled up. You know what I am saying.
All of the above it probably as clear as mud. My reflections above, are as an adult child of an seriously acrimonous custody dispute and child protection professional. The above are not the comments of someone who is a parent or has parented through this process. So take what you will and leave the rest.
The above too is kinda rushed, I am at work but so wanted to make sure you had a response to you had to your question. I know you a really anxious to manage this well for your children, and to minmise what you can.
Thinking of your dear U. Wish I was there to take you for a coffee or a bike ride and cofee and then we could have cake too!
