Of all the things I expected though, I wouldn't have expected the behavior from my X - and I pleasantly surprised myself. So V, if you're still reading, we'll see how closely our Xs really resemble each other in time.
Quick background - 5 months of near NC since the big violence and silence afterward. First month verbally abusive texts from him, "get the F out of your own way, Z...f'ing chit you p*** me off"
Six weeks ago when he finally signed the papers he started (five months ago), I heard from the paralegal and others how upset he was, how much he wanted his M. I wrote to him and told him there was a path back if he would get counseling. His response? "it's painful to hear from you, it's pointless to discuss, I do not trust you, I will not contact you."
Today he walked into a nearly empty waiting room and took the chair right next to me. We greeted each other and I sat in uncomfortable silence next to him. When my mediator friend walked in, X cried crocodile tears to the "how are you" question. Well, maybe it was real pain, who knows.
After 15 minutes of silence I turned and asked, "H, why did you wait so many months to finish those papers?" It was the only thing I really cared to know from him. But instead of an answer, he turned on loving sad puppy dog eyes. "Z, let's just get through the morning first."
I moved out into the hallway to sit with my mediator friend. He said it looked like control to sit so near to me after everything that had transpired.
We went into the courtroom. Over in less than two minutes. To the counseling question, he answered quite right, "we tried"
As the door shut, he brightly asked me if I wanted to go to breakfast with him. This! From the man that had found no point in my invite to talk it over earlier? (How painful it must have really been to hear from me. )
I only said that I thought we had paperwork to go pick up. And as we rode the elevator down to that next room, he made a point of being witty with any and all on it. And I thought, Z, you will be an idiot to pick up that invitation for mind-screwing.
On the way out of the building, after picking up the judgement forms, he asked again.
I stopped and said, "But what would the point be?" I said it gently enough; it was a real question. I wondered, would I get the apology that might have eased some of this? Rational answers from an irrational man as to why he handled things this summer the way he did? Hear any regret? Doubted it. But here was his chance to say something if he had wanted to.
Instead, he made a face and said, "fair enough," turned on his heel and walked away in the other direction. I called out goodbye over my shoulder.
I feel liberated.
If there is such a thing as closure, I have it today. I saw him and did not feel as much as I thought I might have. I saw his tears and pain and felt wary, not loving or full of sympathy, as though it was an act. I saw his congeniality and felt wary. I just felt unsettled and didn't find much attractive anymore.
I sat next to a body I felt some compulsion to touch and love as I used to; but I felt repulsed and angry in even measure. And numb. And it was good to finally face him. To discover I didn't turn to stone!
Especially to say no more to the games.
What would that breakfast have been? A chance to revisit how much we'd loved each other and really tried and a chance for me to claim responsibility for the downfall of our marriage, a chance for me to still feel hope and rekindling of something?
No thanks. He has an ex he was involved in emotionally to that extent, he doesn't need another. I don't need to be on his entertainment roster.
And I refuse to provide any semblance of love or caring for him after the abuses and the way he used me and discarded me.
If he had a fantasy of an ex wife that would still be a meaningful part of his life when he needed to feel loved again, I suppose he can drop that. That feels like closure. No, we're not going to be friends, or ever speak again.
And a new chapter begins. I have no reason to think of him ever again much.
It's about me going forward.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
