thanks Sotto. I will go back and re-read the book some more but I have to say over half of it is not for people in my situation. It seems like chapter 7 to the end are all about working on the relationship once you have gotten her back to trying again.
I should mention I have been reading other materials too. The DR book is not the only place that talks about this stuff. The advice is farily consistent - be happy, don't grovel, don't pursue, don't resist, make changes in your life. He says he's been doing this for 45 years and has saved thousands of marriages. Much of the advice is the same as the DR book, but he has some more insights as to what is going on in the head of the other person and some of it is helpful to me. He also goes a step further in some cases. In being "aloof" for example... he actually suggests that you date other people and says the majority of his cases, when the Wayward person turns around, it is often when the left-behind-spouse actually starts dating again that they start to rethink things.
anyway I just wanted to put that out there.... I was able to find a free download of the ebook. it helps to konw that Michelle's ideas are not totally unique and others who ahve been working on this for a long time have similar suggestions. the McDonald book has 44 suggestions, similar to the 37 posted here and there is a lot of overlap.
Sometimes I'm not sure what is the best thing to do. Any thoughts on this are appreciated.
My W has bought another house and will be moving out in 5 weeks. I see these last 5 weeks as an opportunity to show her my 180s and remind her of my good qualities. I realize I'm supposed to be somewhat aloof but I feel a need to balance this against this being my last chance to shine on a regular basis.
So I have been cooking nice meals. I have always been the cook in the house but I am making an extra effort to make nice dinners so she remembers my cooking once she is gone. I have been asking her how her day was and really using my new communication skills (listening, repeating back, looking in the eye). I have been giving her space but also being very nice to her, helping her do something if she asks.
I have been very non-confrontational with her. I honor her ideas and pretty much go along with them. I am being very friendly, happy. trying to show I am a strong happy person (even though inside I am a wreck). If the kids want to play a game and have both parents involved I'm all for it and I try to be happy and goofy and have a good time at it.
for the most part we are getting along very well. when I ask how her day is we usually have a nice conversation.
I'm trying to remind her I'm a good person with good traits and be the "person only a fool would leave" (a phrase I've heard here before).
so my question is, i have read here online and i think also in the book that I should just give short answers to questions to her questions and keep my own space most of the time. I am not sure how to balance that with being the person "only a fool would leave." these two ideas seem to be contradictory. if I just give short answers, keep my space as much as possible, then I am not being a person "only a fool would leave." A person "only a fool would leave" is someone who makes delicious meals, cleans up the house, is good at communicating, etc.
this is particularly confusing to me because I feel like I have a short window of opportunity while she is still living in the house and I don't want to waste it. once she's gone she won't be able to taste my delicious cooking, or see how well I can communicate and show interest in her life (like I didn't before). how do I balance this? I realize no one has all the answers but if anyone has input, I'm all ears. thanks.
