1) you said he needs time to heal. How does pursuing him right now give him the time and space to do that? How is giving him that space mean "not meeting his needs"?

Yes, but pursuing the R with him is a 180 for me & so are meeting his needs. I had checked out of our M awhile ago except for being angry & resentful. He doesn't live at home anymore so I don't see him except for arranged times. I am trying to give him space he needs, but he is wanting less space now. We had been dark for awhile.

You say he wants less space. But in your signature, you posted that he changed the locks and business accounts. Those dont seem like actions of someone committed to your relationship.

Unfortunately, once that bomb drops, the WAS is changed. Things that may have worked to save your M before dont really work now. I would not advise to pursue and try to meet all of his needs. I think it will make him feel pressured and cause him to run farther. But thats just my opinion. You really want him to be pursuing you.

2) counter-INTUITIVE is not the same as counter-PRODUCTIVE

Agreed. What is intuitive for me is to beg, plead, manipulate, and cajole in order for him to meet my needs all while blaming him. (Selfishness)
What is proving productive is practicing personal changes & showing him those changes. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I thought I was supposed to follow what works.


Yes. Do whats working. Thats pretty much the fundamental basis for solution-oriented thinking. But the changes you make arent to "win" him back. They are for you. They are so you become a better person. Its not really about "showing" them to your S...if he's interested, he will notice them.

3) you have GAL backwards. It helps you BECOME cheery. How are you going to become cheery sitting in a lonely house?

Yes, you have a good point there. I am working on so much right now as it is. I will not push myself further that I think is good for me. Not that I'm in the comfort zone by any means, that is a distant memory for me, but I have always expected too much from myself & trying to 180 from that. Being kinder & forgiving myself more has led to me being more tolerant of others' faults as well.
With two kids still at home, a farm to work on, a 3rd generation house to restore, public activities, and all this personal work... I couldn't handle more of a life & don't have time for hobbies. I live in a town of 2200 people and am trying to scrape by so outings are limited in the most ideal of conditions.
Im not saying you need to go out clubbing every night and send tons of cash. But going out and meeting people and having good times will help raise your spirit. I find when I sit home, I do nothing but obsess about my situation. So stay busy - join a book club, join a meetup group, anything. There are tons of things you can do that dont cost much.

Thank you for this response, I'm grateful for the input. When my thinking gets challenged, I have to delve into my mind further and it can be painful, but productive. Either it strengthens my resolve or shows me more change needed.

Im big on goals, in case you haven noticed. Can you share some of yours? You mention that you are working on a lot. Can you lay them out?