Then it came down to the fact that I just wasn't wanting to embrace my choice-laden life. Yep, it meant dealing with my feelings and that u-haul I was dragging behind me filled with resentment. THAT was holding me back, dear Sunny.
Yesterday, I did not want to embrace my choice-laden life. I wanted to pout like a petulant toddler. Then I went for a run and felt much better.
Originally Posted By: Underdog
WHEN you're committed to self care, the resentment dissipates. Not saying it's not present at some level, but when you're taking care of yourself, those ugly, repressive/oppressive/suppressive thoughts are not allowed to take center stage and ruin your fabulous existence.
The place I've been slacking in self-care, is taking care of my body. I love lifting, I don't love running but I do it. It's easy to come up with excuses not to do it, I have to take my daughter to school/pick her up from school/take other daughter to work/pick her up from work/make dinner/go the PTA meeting/work on my resume/grocery shop/go to an interview/do laundry/take the dog to the vet/clean the kitchen for the sixth time today. Blah Blah Blah. In other words, put everyone else first except me. I'm good at that, I've been doing it for years, and it's my default in stress. I was more stressed out than usual lately because of the legal wheels turning, and instead of ramping up self care I let it slide. You are so perceptive to have picked that up, Bets. I didn't.
Originally Posted By: Underdog
Repeat after me: The world is my oyster, and I have everything that I love in my life right now.
The world is my oyster and I have everything that I love in my life right now. And I do. I would never trade time with my daughters in for neatness. STBX has made the choice to remove himself from the messiness of raising a family, (and I mean messiness in a lot of senses here). He readily admitted that to me, and I think I probably had a look of horror on my face as he did. His loss without a doubt.
Thanks for the forest/trees analogy. I understand it completely, I am in a prep work phase, I suppose I'm just impatient. A large part of that comes from my job anxiety, I am coming very near to using up the severance package I've been carefully dishing out to myself in weekly increments. STBX has already told me not to worry about that, to make sure I'm taking a job because I think its right, not because of financial reasons. But I also see this job as part of my independence from him. I know I'm going to still depend on his income for many years to come, but I don't want to have to be accountable to him for everything I want. So I feel like I need my own source of income soon.
And thanks, too, for your words about the alternate universe in which I was once living. It's hard to imagine now, really. Sometimes when I'm having a down day, I'll think about it, and realize that I could never go back, would never do that again. And I do realize that my life now really is a miracle, isn't it?
