Still Struggling with a plan!

[hopeOK]

Had my IC yesterday and we spent the whole time discussing ways to communicate w/ H. I have difficulty with getting my thoughts across & seem to say things the wrong way a lot of the time so the practice was good. My therapist thought it was a good idea to talk to H about my desire to talk about the R... instead of it being a topic that is avoided. She also helped me figure out a way to ask about if there is any friendship going on w/ the OW.

Last night I did tell him that I was having a tough time on Monday w/ not feeling secure and sometimes I just need to be reassured. I also said it would be nice if we could discuss the relationship from time to time and he was open to that. He did think that things are going well and he said he is trying to be a good husband. I asked him if I was meeting all his needs and he said yes. He asked if he was meeting mine and I said a lot of them. He asked for more on that and I told him what he was doing a really good job on (affection, quality time). I didn't tell him what was not being met (safety/security, intimate conversation)... I did not want to push everything out in one conversation. I also did not ask about OW... that will have to wait for another time. I am nervous about that one and not quite ready.

I still have so many doubts. I want to move on and quit focusing so much on them... but gosh, the struggle is real! I have this little voice in my head that is saying I deserve more... I should have someone who is head over heals for me and wants to bend over backwards to do all that they can to make the relationship a good one. I get mad that h doesn't seem to appreciate having me. I am attractive and fit (he gets told by his male friends/ family that I am hot -literally I have read of 2 comments of this nature on his fb in the last 2 months & had someone say it to him in front of me a couple months ago, I take care of the home (making sure it is mostly always clean/tidy) and his children really pretty well. I homeschool so I am also in charge of educating the children (& I go to school part time myself working on getting another degree). I cook meals every night. I am making a lot of effort in the areas I have not been good at (complimenting him, being thoughtful, etc) Things are exciting in bed (now). (sorry tmi) Then I remind myself that there was a time when I was in a place where I didn't appreciate him, I didn't put in much effort, I did my own thing. So I vacillate between some sort of entitlement and a feeling of this being my just punishment & I have to do the time.

When things get really low, I either think he is absolutely cheating & I must play detective & expose him (I have no evidence or even really suspicion... just fear) or I think that maybe I need to move on, end the relationship & start over with someone else fresh so I don't have to have all these daily doubts and fears & I could have someone who really appreciates me (doesn't have the resentments as well & I can make sure to do the right things to protect the relationship now that I know). Now these are my extremes & do not happen often... but they are there. I do not act on them but they are there.

Clearly I need to find ways to stay busier... I have way too much idle time on my hands while I am at home all day w/ the kids and I focus way too much on the relationship. I do have school I could be doing but my obsessing over the R always comes first. Ugh. When did I become so pathetic.