LBS becomes the WS. The price of peace.

[Pyrite]

hey spd,

i absolutely agree - i think this is clarified later on in the thread. I have said here or somewhere else that my "feeling" of being tempted by another woman just shows me a millionth of what my W and WAS must experience, at least at some point.

i think Z would concur that we feel less and less inclined to even want them to turn around with every passing day. Then we would be forced into a very awkward predicament.

At least in my case, my W has shown zero remorse, 100%selfishness and she astonishingly just keeps upping the ante when I didn't think it was possible anymore.

She has so much backtracking to do just on how poorly she has behaved towards another human being (me), and then we get back to the A, and then we have to deal with the initial problem in the M.

After several months of living with this and amazing growth that I had never in my life even imagined, let alone came close to accomplishing, the initial problem in our M could well be irreconcilable. I felt unloved. This much was real, and her behaviour was not misinterpreted. However, my flawed personality did not cope with it well.

Healthy options were there. Most clearly was that we should not have had children, or even gotten married. At least until this issue was resolved. The problem was that deep down I am/was ashamed of who I am. Not that I have ever done anything to be ashamed of, it is a remnant of an "unfortunate" childhood (an ongoing conversation with Vanilla details this).

Due to this self-loathing I clung to my W out of fear. I did speak out, but was basically shut down or ignored. So instead of acting with dignity, I buried it, hoping things would come good one day. After 4 years of this I was a detached, depressed, zombie. I wasn't even a target for her to love as a brother anymore.

Now - the truth of the matter is that she may have simply not loved me. In which case R is not a possibility. Maybe she did, and this was just her flawed way of NOT being able to show it. And believe me, she is seriously screwed up - and I'm not saying that out of spite. I'm actually over that anyway. There is a lot of work to do on her side to fix this if it is the case, and quite frankly, I am very very skeptical that it is worth it.

All of this and in the background there is trust. I trusted her before, and look what hapenned. I know with absolute certainty what she is capable of. I have had "discussions" with her where she seriously grins and laughs like a lunatic. Explaining how I was a thorn in her side, and even if not for OM she never wants me, and it is her right to [censored] him wherever she pleases - and yes this included our marriage bed still shared on alternate weeks. Her viciousness is something I have never even seen before in movies.

Although - things have gone quiet now. I have been dark for many months and it is a godsend for her. Not tempting as sometimes happens.

BUT - the remaining tie is my kids. I honestly believe though that if they were a bit older they would tell me NOT to even consider it.

Anyway, rant, just killing time here.

-Py