I understand some of what you're saying Py...I happen to see a few things differently.
The LBS can't become the WAS. I don't believe that. I know that's been said by vets, but to me the WAS is the one that took the action that broke the marriage, that broke the commitment. Choosing to not recommit to a person that abandoned the marriage is a UNIVERSE different from being the one that made the choice to drop the bomb, walk out the door, take legal action, have affairs, etc. Sometimes I think LBS's tell themselves this as a way to feel like less of a victim which I appreciate, but they are not the same at all.
Likewise, you SHOULD be hesitant to recommit to a new R with this person. It's not because you're untrusting or uncommitted...it's because they are untrustworthy and uncommitted. Why WOULD you recommit to a partner that did this? I get that's why we all joined this board initially, but to truly R requires both opportunity AND good reason to return to the marriage. Initially we're so hung up on opportunity, we forget that we need the good reason (remorse from WAS, growth, reason to believe they can actually be a committed partner).
So accepting the loss of a M that someone else decided for us, and being wary of recommitting to this person based on their lack of regard to your needs, desires, or the sanctity of M...this isn't the same as the entitlement and selfishness that drives the WAS to make this choice.
Sure we have other negative emotions to manage, and desires driving us. We are human too and have to be wary of our motives, of taking the easy path that doesn't jive with our beliefs. But accepting our loss and making the best of the life we have been given is the goal we are here to achieve, not following in the footsteps of those that brought us here.
I agree with this Zeus...as this is where I am at right now. not only must I see remorse from her..i need to look into my own heart and see if I can find true forgiveness for ..otherwise resentment builds and I might be a WAS..
