How do I feel? More and less baffled. I feel like I can take my husband's cave-dwelling less personally. And yes, while I've been moving away from him and we've been much more distant over the past two years, it hasn't been consistent on my part that I've left him alone.
On the other hand, I want a partner. Someone who is able to speak up for their needs, tell me what they want and don't want, and deal with the fact that I have wants and needs too. I don't want to be babied, I don't expect him to spend his life meeting my every whim. But I do expect someone emotionally robust enough to deal with the normal actions of family life - budgeting, shopping, etc. And I do expect to be able to ask, calmly and with respect, for what I need. And sometimes get it.
I need to think more. And right now I need to sleep. It's been a good day for me today. I was kind and friendly to my husband. I cooked his favourite thing and instead of hiding away in my home office, I sat in the living room and knitted this evening. I didn't expect or initiate conversation. But I feel like a punished child banished to her room these days, and I guess I don't have to live that life if I don't want to. He doesn't banish me to my room, I sneak away there to leave him alone. I don't want to do that anymore though.
I will walk tomorrow and have a good long think. Amazon says DR is on its way.
