Hi Rottzilla! I've been following your post & find it rather inspiring... I think it's great you guys are intimate - IMO I think it brings people closer together - sep or not. I've also battled with this for the past 5 mos. My H has OW & we've been sep for 5 mos. We still ML - even though at times I feel I shouldn't - our connection is so intense that I don't want to stop doing the one thing that brings us so much closer. I've decided to follow my heart & continue - but with caution - for obvious reasons (H's intimacy with OW being primary reason). My H sometimes keeps his eyes open & I've questioned it? H says that he likes to look at my expressions just to make sure that I am enjoying myself & to make sure that he's doing a good job - go figure - he's considerate enough to care if I'm enjoying myself - which is good I suppose.
I think if your H is still choosing to ML then take it as a good thing & don't push the issue. Enjoy the ML & work on other aspects as well - but don't let that be your main DB technique.
Keep posting & asking the questions that we would ALL love to ask but are afraid to!
Jen, I am so glad you posted. Thanks. Hope to see you again.
Dazed, we are definitely interested in the answer. Honestly and truly. We want to know how the men work. THEN we take that info and PLAY.
Hey all, I think I just hit upon something major. While driving back from getting my lunch, I remembered that when I first started DBing, when H would come home, the dogs go to meet him at the door with wags and bounces and smiley faces. I would join them and yell "Daddy's home, daddy's home" and throw myself into his arms. These were the days of major baby steps.
One day, he had had a bad day and didn't respond well. I didn't do it the next day. I began to look for other things to do. When he came home, I would be busy. I began to distance. I may have met him cautiously at the door and waited for him to hug me first, or not met him at all.
What a difference, huh? From his perspective, a HUGE difference.
So, I changed to being more cautious, then he seemed to stop growing closer to me. I took his distance as him not feeling for me and didn't connect it to my actions. I tried to distance more and began to look into his every move more (analyzing).
Last night, I mentioned to him that I was going to stop doing things for him. He said NO! with a lot of feeling. Like a kid, "NO! I want that ice cream, it's not fair..." He definitely wants me to do things for him. I explained that when I offer a back rub or foot rub or to pour him a drink or get a plate of food, he says no and rejects me. Then I realized, why do I have to ask? So, last night I gave my H a backrub and he kept saying "Umm, that feels good, don't stop." I didn't ask, he didn't get the chance to reject me.
I intend to test this theory out. Men like to (1) feel loved, (2) have their ego boosted, (3) feel appreciated, (4) feel important. (OK, so do women, but you all know what I mean.) So, for him to feel love for me, perhaps I have to be more of a "woman" and appreciate the heck out of him.
Tonight, when he gets home, I will greet him like the sun just came out after raining for days. I'll do that for the next couple of days. Then, this time, I will wait a few days before noting the reactions. If one day I get a negative reaction, I won't let it change how I handle it. I will keep going until a pattern exists.
This doesn't mean I will stop having a life and doing my own thing. But it does mean I will change how my "as if" attitude is.
Quote: It seems from several guys that I asked that ML does not lead to love, but if a man already feels love, then ML does reinforce those feelings and let them grow stronger.
Rott - from this guy's POV (and BTW, I am a guy who is desperately trying to keep his marriage together), you are right. For me, ML is probably the most sincere and "naked" (pardon the pun) expression of the love I feel for my wife, and is why the lack of physical contact is so painful. Less intimate physical expressions (foot rub, back rub, holding hands, stroking hair) are also important to me and sorely missed. Why? Because I am not the most impressive communicator in my R - my wife can talk rings around me and have me going in verbal cricles, especially in a more heated moment (not the good kind of heat). I am a better writer than talker, and a helluva good toucher (if I do say so myself).
Ironically enough, Rott, I think I understand what you are feeling. We ML for the first time in 3 months last night - at my "suggestion". It was more having sex than ML, however. She asked "would that make you happy?" I said "I'd rather we both be happy." Probably should not have pursued it, but I did. My wife was there physically, but she almost completely turned her head when I tried to kiss her, and her "soul" was just not there. I think she may have wept a bit, as well, but I am not sure and did not ask.
To another point in your post, I did feel the relief of a physiological nature, but I think there might be an emotional hangover for a while. I'm not sure, we really did not talk about it afterwards or this morning, and I'm not sure how or if to discuss it, or just let it go.
So to summarize, guys are just as messed up in the head as gals
