It doesn't sound silly at all to me...I would like to know also!
~~Janehiswife~~
"Who in the world do you run to when the only person in the world who can stop your tears, is the one who made you cry?"
~Author Unknown
Thanks, guys. Looks like this thread is still open, so I guess I will keep posting here until I am locked out. The other thread is open and I'll move over there when I'm finally locked out.
Last night was pretty good. H said something about his S14 doing wrong and covering it up just making things worse. I smiled and left the room. I came back, and H said "I feel like the pot calling the kettle black." I sat on his lap and smiled again and asked "Still feeling guilty?" (about EA with OW) He laughed and said "Who? Me? Guilty? Nope, not a guilty bone in my body. Not a sarcastic bone either." I laughed with him and said, "There's nothing I can say or do to help you get over that guilt. All I can tell you is that I have always believed in you. I may not have believed your words, but I have always known inside you are a good person. Your moral core is very strong and I trusted in you to do the right thing. You did do the right thing in the end. We all make mistakes, that's all you did was make a mistake."
He brightened at this thought and actually started having a good night from there on out. I pulled him on top of me and we talked for an hour or so, then feel asleep in each other's arms.
Later, we woke up to get ready for bed. I had voiced my concern about his drinking for a few (work) nights in a row, so he hadn't had anything to drink. I said I would take the dogs out because he looked tired. (It's his "job" to take them out at night.) He looked guilty. I took them out and then came back in. I told him that I had seen that guilty look and I had something to say. I told him "You have been working 12 hour days. It's draining you emotionally, physically and mentally. You are MORE than doing your part for this family. So, if I want to show my appreciation for you by doing one of your chores, I feel you should let me."
Again, he seemed to appreciate this and gave me a hug. We went to bed and for the first time in days, he didn't seem depressed or down. He held me and we slept great through the night. He actually looked rested this morning. Gave me a hug on the way out and had more of a happy tone to his voice.
Tonight we go out for his S14's bday. He told his boss he had to leave on time. He's very frustrated he actually has to ask if he can leave on his scheduled time. I hope he makes it so we can get to the restaurant. He will be devastated if he has to stay late.
Yayy! It sounds like you had some really good interaction.
Quote: "There's nothing I can say or do to help you get over that guilt. All I can tell you is that I have always believed in you... We all make mistakes, that's all you did was make a mistake." ... He brightened at this thought and actually started having a good night from there on out.
How great is that? (rhetorical question)
I certainly hope you're riding high today!
Quote: I hope he makes it so we can get to the restaurant. He will be devastated if he has to stay late.
But remember its not the end of the world if he has to. And if he is late and upset about it, you will let him know that. You two seem to be doing very well, I'm so happy for you.
wow, you are getting oral now--that's great. Look at it this way, at least you are getting contact. How did these rules come about??? Did he sit you down and list all of them for you and how can you remember all that?! what if you don't follow the rules??? My OM loved to hold my wrists, it was a power thing with him that he could control me. All these "rules" sound controlling. He does have something on his mind, and I know it's killing ya, but you have to step back a bit and be patient. I would rather have things move slow and work out then work out when I want them too(right away) and then not work out.
Hi Rottzilla, I hope I didn't imply that I thought your concerns were silly, I sure don't, in fact I struggle with trying to figure out what's in my H's head. The reason I asked if it was new or long-standing behavior is that if a person had always done things the way your H is, it would seem like the kind of ritualistic behaviors that people w/OCD sometimes have....but obviously, this is new stuff for him, so that wouldnt be it. It's so hard (and crazy making for me) to have a clue as to what might be in their minds, yet how the heck are we supposed to respond in a positive way if we're clueless? It sounds to me like maybe your H has VERY strong feelings for you, and that the touching and eye contact reinforces those. Right now he seems kind of scared of his feelings, so maybe he avoids them by avoiding the intimacy that comes from the touch and eye contact? I don't know if that's accurate, just something that occurs to me.....
Quote: I'm just trying to figure out what H is doing so I can be Patient.
I don't think that's silly at all, that's exactly where I'm at and I HATE that P-word!!!!!!!even my H has thrown that nasty word at me in this mess!!!!!! In the context of trying to figure out what's in a guys head, I have a sex question for the guys if you don't mind. You made the comment about getting sex but not ml.....recently i've sensed a "shift" most of the time in my H more towards the ML, in the way he holds and kisses, etc.....Sometimes though, it is "just sex"; what makes the difference for a guy from wanting one or the other??????I can't figure this out....don't know if I worded the question to make any sense, either. Sometimes sex is more intense yet also more intimate, more of a ML experience, after some of our heated discussions....day before valentines and last Thursday night come to mind....Why would this be? Something else I wonder about: within the last 2 months, H is just absolutely "wiped out" after ML (but not so much after "just sex")....he will even say "I can hardly move"....sometimes he will actually drift off to sleep while he's holding me....I don't remember him being like this before, except I think maybe when we were 1st married. causes this? is it something emotional, or is there a physical difference, or a combination, or just "old age"? Since it is a new change in behavior, I am mystified by it...guys have any thoughts?
Quote: wow, you are getting oral now--that's great.
OK, you just made me spit out my water all over my computer.
Quote: How did these rules come about???
They are not spoken rules. Just things I have picked up. If I hug him, he lets his arms hang at his sides. If he hugs me, it is warm and usually lasts a while. When I tried holding his hand (months ago) he told me he feels weird when I touch him. (I haven't actually tried this for a while, but I also don't think it's wise) And so on, the rules pile up, but they are not verbal rules. Just things I have learned.
It all goes back to H telling me he feels weird when he touches me. He doesn't have that "passion, feels like I am his sister, etc." ...another reason, along with wanting to do it for myself, that I want to get on the ball and lose weight. He says it doesn't matter to him, but every time I lose a few, he gives me compliments like crazy. He used to cry when he told me he thought I was so beautiful. When I get back there, I hope that he will find me "so beautiful" again.
Quote: what if you don't follow the rules???
Then he punishes me by distancing.
Quote: My OM loved to hold my wrists, it was a power thing with him that he could control me.
My H is not a controlling person, but I have recently begun to suspect he is passive aggressive. He may have some control issues that I never recognized before, but when he holds my wrists, it's not with anger or control, it's just as if he was holding my hands. It's gentle and caring but it drives me nuts. It's just an inch from my hands, but if he touched me there, he would recoil as if I was a hot coal. I guess he just doesn't want the intimacy and it is nothing more than that.
As far as the control issues, I am not so sure that he would have control issues if I let him feel as if he is in control from time to time. I was the one who organized and planned and ran the household finances. Perhaps he wouldn't have found it necessary to control me by doing all the "manly" things around the house if I had let him feel "manly."
Quote: Hi Rottzilla, I hope I didn't imply that I thought your concerns were silly
Of course not...
Quote: It sounds to me like maybe your H has VERY strong feelings for you, and that the touching and eye contact reinforces those. Right now he seems kind of scared of his feelings, so maybe he avoids them by avoiding the intimacy that comes from the touch and eye contact?
I agree. I guess I am not being PATIENT if I don't let him come around in his own time. I see from his actions that he loves me, but he still maintains that he doesn't.
Quote: what makes the difference for a guy from wanting one or the other??????
I think I can answer this. It seems from several guys that I asked that ML does not lead to love, but if a man already feels love, then ML does reinforce those feelings and let them grow stronger.
To directly answer your question, sometimes a man just needs a physical release. This is actual physiology, not psychology. The buildup of fluids in a man's prostrate actually is uncomfortable and a man feels the drive to release. This is one reason why they masturbate, as a physical release. But, if they can feel the same with you, by having straight sex, and don't feel pressure to make more of it than what it is, then rejoice. They feel comfortable with you. It's a good thing (if you are in love) I think to sometimes ML and sometimes have sex. Many times a man will masturbate because he just wants physical release and not the emotions involved, along with having to put out energy to please another person, worry about his performance, etc.
Quote: Something else I wonder about: within the last 2 months, H is just absolutely "wiped out" after ML (but not so much after "just sex")....he will even say "I can hardly move"
I would say this can be anything. Only you are there so only you can determine what the truth is. Is he old and slowing down in other areas? Is he emotionally wiped out? Possibly.
My H and I have been separated for 4 mos and @ 1st he would not ML but now it has become quite regular. Am I making a mistake by Ml w/no committment to come home by H. Please read my original sich in piecing and advise.
Looks like this thread is still open, so I guess I will keep posting here until I am locked out. The other thread is open and I'll move over there when I'm finally locked out.
Gave me a hug on the way out and had more of a happy tone to his voice.
for the guys if you don't mind.