Nah mate. I can't come back from this. It's proper done now. It's bad enough for a WW to come back from the brink but to have a constant reminder of OM right there? Wouldn't be healthy for either of us.
Jal, he's 36 so yes he's at the right age. They may well have planned it and that's a scenario I've considered. Doesn't really change anything tbh.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Hi NDY, it sounds like you doing as well as could be expected after this awful news. I have to say I'm with Zeus on this one. Walk and don't look back. Start what you need to start to get � separated, and D in progress or whatever.
Who knows how this will play out eventually. Will OM stick around...etc?? But for sure this is not your sandpit and you don't want to play in it.
However, I don't think you need to make any 'ultimate' decisions right now. There's no need and your emotions are pretty raw (absolutely nderstandably.) But I do think you need to get right out of the sandpit as quick as you can and with your own and S's best interests at heart.
Much, much further down the line - who knows NDY? You may be completely done - and that would be understandable. Your W may be let down by OM in coming months or after that. We know the stats about A's growing into successful long term Rs. But none of that needs to be your worry just now my friend.
You may well be right about a MLC - your W would be a prime age for it.....
Take care xx
Last edited by Sotto; 09/01/1505:40 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
OK, buddy, just thought you might see a scenario in your head that could progress things on. Fair do's, time for NDY to take stock and think about how you move on.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hey sotto. Thanks for that. The thing is, if it wasn't for finding this place and using DB I recon I'd be a mess right now. But I'm not. Shocked? Yes, definitely but not a mess. So need to word the D out. Like I said there are complications but I also don't need to delay any longer. So yes, i can move this on.
Huddy. I can see where you are coming from and yes it crossed my mind but in the end I said no. I can't do that. This is now done.
So in DB land am I allowed to date now?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I would say that NDY has had enough pain and should get on with his new life where he can be appreciated for what he is, much improved and ready for anything.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy, I'm sorry I sounded so contrary earlier. You have some very good points and I don't pretend to be the authority on this.
Someday I'll make a list of the top 5 things I see people early in their sitch that aren't helpful. One of them is this constant question of "would I still take her back, would I still take her back" again and again and again. It is the opposite of attachment, keeps the focus on the wrong goals, and just causes more pain and sabotages the healing process.
My stance is 'what difference does it make?' In the vast majority of the cases I've seen the WAW hasn't seriously asked the LBH to come home. So it's unlikely to come up, and if it does the LBH can figure it out then. And some LBH's treat it as a victory when they answer that question with a 'no', as if now they are officially in control of the situation. In reality, if they are saying 'no' based off of how they feel today that doesn't seem consistent with the idea of standing by your M through better or worse which is what most of us believe.
The truth is that we can't predict the future, we don't know what changes our WAS are capable of, or how we'll feel God is guiding us until we're there...trying to commit to a predetermined plan and perpetually update it daily based on every interaction seems pointless and harmful.
I recommend people just don't bother with that question. IF that question ever gets voiced by the WW/WAW then the LBH can assess the situation and do some soul searching at that time. And when, as is usually the case, that question never arises, the LBH won't waste their time fretting about how to respond to an apology they never get, and can instead keep moving forward, not bothering to close the door because it recedes completely into the distance and vanishes from sight.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I agree Zeus. However, I also think there comes a point where someone absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, from the very bottom of their heart, knows they are done.
But that time isn't right after a trauma like this....IMHO
Nor is dating the answer my friend. Not just now - that would look like revenge, or desperation - and you don't need either. You can get through this. Maybe just give yourself some time to process, get your ducks in a row and heal. You don't want to think about dashing into a new R just now...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Jal. I saw no disrespect in your post. Perhaps my language could have been better but I'm typing on my phone :-/
Zues. Bingo. Stop focusing on what ifs. What's the point. At the moment I'm looking at what's right in front of me and it ain't good. So this NDY has to sort his chit out for NDY and S10. There is nothing else.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
