Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Vanilla
Thanks for the advice. The shock/pain of her affair is wearing off. She's reaching out to me, being nice. She hasn't really been nice to me in a long, long time. I'm keeping my distance, but I'm going to go over and hang out with my kids tomorrow night. She will be there. I'm taking the baby step. First, just being able to be in the same room with her. Being upbeat, friendly, but detached. If I can handle that, I'll open the door to friendship. See where that goes.

Sandi2
Thanks so much! I appreciate the encouragement. Deeply. I guess part of this is that in reality, her feelings do matter. It took me a long time to kind of come around to that fully. As a man, it's easy to dismiss her feelings. To argue that she should not feel the way she does because of reasons. But if I've been doing that my whole marriage, then I bet she will respond if I let her feel. I should. I care about her heart, why she feels the way she does. I'm going to start by continuing to validate, not argue, allow her to feel what she does, and be a rock. If she can't move past the old hurts, and doesn't think she can be happy with me, then that's ok. I'll be ok either way. I do want to be with her, but I want a powerful and happy marriage that's built on two people loving each other. With true forgiveness.

I read one of the books recommended to me earlier, and it has a good exercise. It says to write out on a piece of paper all the things that you hold against your W. The big mental list of transgressions, how they made you feel. Then you burn the list, and let it all go.

I think I'm going to do that, since I don't think I can move forward without forgiveness, grace, and mercy. I love her. I want to protect her heart, and set her free from the pain that she's carried all these years. I can't do that if I don't let it go. And in doing that, I let it out of my heart too.

I'm finally learning how to be a man. Funny to say it that way, but she needs my strength, not my weakness. I can give that to other men. She needs the good stuff, and even as a friend, I'm going to finally give it to her. My goal is not really to win her heart, though I wish I could, but rather to use this horrible situation, the pain and agony, to finally build the man I should have been all my adult life.

Thanks again for following me and helping me through this!