Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[Avanti]

...I'm trying to send the signal that I am going to be ok and I'm moving forward. Emotionally I am still very attached and but I'm going to fake it until I make it.

This is where a lot of us are, some are better at the faking bit than others, but the important thing is that you are not alone, we are cheering you on as we know how you feel. It's really scary isn't it?

[beckyb]

Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. Early this morning I dreamed I was with H and he said it was not too late for us. What I way to start a crappy day.

[Avanti]

Not nice beckyb. How about considering it your low point for the day and everything else will be better?

My DB coach said that if I feel like it's right to send my wife a note on our anniversary (that's soonish) saying something simple like "today was a special day for us and I was just thinking about you", nothing more no question, just a heart reaching out to a heart.

Remember, little things make the difference, there are no seismic events, or they are very rare. In the same way the two of you fell in love it was a gradual process there were no (or few) massive shift just one day a realisation of how you felt. The DB process is similar, it may take a little longer that's all.

The coach also took pains to say that I may not get a response and to be OK with that, which is why I said "if you feel it's right" for you above, be prepared to be be blanked not let it affect you, if you go ahead with something similar.

[beckyb]

Beagley, thanks for the note. I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if he even remembers it's our anniversary. I guess have the rest of the day to figure it out.

I'm taking the afternoon off and going with a friend to get a pedicure and massage, then having dinner with my 2 best friends who won't care if I cry and will cry with me. I thought it would be better than sitting alone.

[Avanti]

Don't try to predict or mind read your H, do what you feel is the right thing to do.

Going out with your friends is a fab idea. Enjoy yourself and make sure the focus is on having fun and pampering yourself.

Sure there will be some sad moments, keep them to a minimum as otherwise you are letting your H spoil your time with your friends, which you wouldn't have accepted in previous times so why allow it now?

Have you considered trying to see the sad thoughts as clouds drifting into your awareness and watching them float away or as images moving across a big cinema screen, appearing on one side and drifting across and off the other side. This type of gentle technique will help you to stop being overcome by your emotions and keep you enjoying yourself.

Have a great time.

[beckyb]

Well I decided not to contact H about anniversary today. I decided I would be doing it to try to get a response from him.

[beckyb]

Fear of the future is my enemy. I think if I believed I'd be ok with being alone in the future I could detach pretty easy from H. But I just don't see that right now. Being mid-50s with no husband and no children sounds very bleak to me. My head knows God has a good plan for me but my heart doesn't see it yet.

I'm trying to focus one day at a time right now and not look too far in the future. For a planner/fixer like me that is very hard.

[V2pt0]

Fear of the future is my enemy. I think if I believed I'd be ok with being alone in the future I could detach pretty easy from H. But I just don't see that right now. Being mid-50s with no husband and no children sounds very bleak to me. My head knows God has a good plan for me but my heart doesn't see it yet.

I'm trying to focus one day at a time right now and not look too far in the future. For a planner/fixer like me that is very hard.

I can so relate to this. In my heart, I know I will be fine, but my head plays tricks on me. In one sense I do regret not having made it a priority to have children during my H's schooling, but at the same time relieved to not have children being put through this difficult time. That was a sacrifice we made together to invest in our future together. I assumed we would never divorce. As long as I had my H/M that sacrifice was ok. Now I may D at 45 having lost the chance to have children of my own. As my H told me shortly after BD, I can always adopt.

I am reminded everyday though that D happens to people all of the time at every age and stage of life. You still have half your life left to find someone that will honor you and your M. Keep trying to think in positives even as hard as it may be.

[tkdmme]

Our aniversary was back in june. I left a note and a book she had given to when we first met. When I got home the book was back on the shelf and my w said nothing at all about it.

I'm not telling you what to do but in my case I should have done nothing. I left me feeling hurt and embarrassed.

[beckyb]

BT13, I get so upset and angry when I think about children. I was 40 when we go married and we talked about trying to have a baby. Since H had kids and I had H I was ok with our decision. Now he is walking away and I'm way to old even to adopt. These are really hard emotions to let go off.