Let's All Be Like Coffee

[V2pt0]

Ok, I need to get a grip. My H and I cannot seem to have a civil conversation anymore. I don't like the person I am in these conversations and I need to stop. It is like I have forgotten DB 101. I know what I am supposed to do in dealing with an irrational person, but he just [censored] me in with the stuff he says.

H came over to get some things. He did not look like he was doing great. I asked him to sitdown and chat. I wanted to try to have a calm conversation about how he is feeling about D and proceeding forward. It is important to me that we are both secure in this decision and find a way to work together. I just wan him to open up to me and let me know what he is thinking and feeling. I kniw niw thus is just not feasible for him. The conversation quickly turned to how I said I wouldn't file and did not believe in D, but yet I filed. So yes, now D is my fault. I firmly said that I am responsible for half of our M issues, but the D rests on his shoulders. I tried to explain why and that it was not wanted to do, but felt he gave me no choice due to continuing A, the lying and needed to protect myself financially. He quickly tried to shift the entire blame to me. He is adamant that he can have A and be assessing our M. I told him that is not realistically feasible and that I will not live in open M. Of couse, he reiterated his favorite line that it can not be an open M because we are no longer M.

That is when I let l lose and unleashed all of the pain and hurt that has been bottled up over the past 6 months and beyond. It was not pretty. I asked him how he can look at himself in the mirror with the lying and the A. That I am disgusted that after 14 yrs together, he has made me (and our M) feel like a piece of garbage that can be easily thrown away and how hurtful that is to me. I said that I felt sorry that he thinks the answer is to run and that will lead him to exactly what he fears, which is being old and alone. I said that I can rest in knowing that I gave 100% effort over the past 6 months to trying to save our M. He just kept putting down everything down I said. Like saying, "Yes, you did such a great job of trying to save our M."

At that point I know I should have stopped and left the house. Instead, I said some things to be hurtful. That is not the person I want to be and I am sorry I let it go there. It just makes me upset that he refuses, or more likely, is incapable of seeing his part in all of this. He also was making it clear he is going to be difficult about splitting our stuff up and is going to try get as much out of D as possible. At one point we did hug after the hostility died down a bit. I just cried and said this was so hard and it was not how I wanted things to be. I also did send text later that night apologizing for some of my words and that it was because I am hurting and in pain right now. I said I would give up all of our stuff if it meant we could save our M.