Confused and Unsure

[EMMess]

Today I am feeling a bit better. But I have had some hard times shaking this tendency to control habit that I have. I want to hold on too tight when I should be letting go.

Yesterday, we had an argument which I probably started and entertained, I am not proud of it, but felt she was taking advantage of me once more. She asked if I can stay with the kids while she did her nails and went to Yoga, I agreed. Reached out to her to ask if she will be back on time for an appointment that I had, she responds with "well, I'll call you back when I am ready." I told her that she new that I needed to make this appointment. She pushed back because she said she needed her time, although, we both have our schedule, and she had to work on her days, she feels that she deserves more of "her time". I told her that she should be home at 6pm, because am dropping the kids off. A few minutes passed since we spoke and I thought better of it, so I wrote to her "I am going to take the kids with me, enjoy your time"

After the appointment, I brought the kids home, and she walked in about 45 minutes later. I tried to ignore her, until she requested that I take some clothes she has been wanting to get rid of to my mother's house. I told her "No, I won't be doing that, and if you want to take them you are more than welcome to", she replied "(laugh) Ok!"; after that I proceeded to tell her that if she wants her space, that I need her to stay out of the house when I am here. This led to the argument, and she basically started ignoring me by being on her phone. This is where I lost my temper, and snatched the phone from her hand, and asked her to please listen to me (controlling issues here). Needless to say, that after everything was said and done, I immediately regretted my actions.

I apologized the next day. She asked if I was passing by the house in the morning, and I replied "No, I won't be passing by, I'll see the kids when I pick them up"; 2 hours later she writes back that there is no food for breakfast for the kids, so of course I caved and went and got it. Only to then be criticized for what I bought them. A few moments passed and she goes on to tell me that she doesn't want to see me, and that if she could she would signed the divorce papers right now, because she is done with me. I told her, if you didn't want to see me, why did you call to ask me to pick up food for the kids? why didn't you get it yourself?

I know that I keep on making the same mistakes, I am looking at the reasons for my controlling behavior, and my lack of control of my emotions, especially anger. My IC has been on vacation for a month.

Sorry, just needed to journal and get this out of my head and heavy heart.