Yep. It's looking a little different than I expected. For one, my H is clearly a broken man--something I couldn't fathom when he left. I was full of so much pain myself, I couldn't see his pain beyond my own rejection.
Time has revealed the predictions/analysis of MLC on these boards to be spot on. Frighteningly so. Sadly, he still can't see his own dysfunction. I keep praying for him though.
But, nonetheless, sent the papers. As I drove past the mailbox this morning, I asked myself, "Do I want to get them? Am I ready?" Everything in me said, "SEND THEM!@" No question. I feel content and peaceful with this decision. I love the man, but I'm ready to have an official, legal boundary from him.
I signed up for a course on Overcoming Anxiety this morning. So happy I did. The course is a self-guided online course (cheaper than therapy) but includes video guidance/explanations from a group of therapists. The course also includes forum support from others suffering from the safe stuff and you can reach out to the professionals if you feel stuck working through the homework. Very simple, very enlightening stuff.
After one day, I feel more in charge of MY life and more understanding of the circumstances and experiences which lead me to react to life as I do... procrastination/avoidance. I felt his tremendous relief as I listened and understood how I came by these habits honestly. It was a perfect storm of selfish people and situations... but, I did the right thing by moving away from all of them. The distance makes more sense now that I have some perspective.
Signing those papers was my final step in setting myself free from some very unhealthy, unforgiving people. I'm not saying I won't allow them in my life anymore, but I AM saying it will be on MY TERMS.
Life is good, even with my tendency to avoid and all my imperfections. Taken me so long to get here. I just might be able to enjoy the second half.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
