Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[PigPen]

I'm with you on the grocery shopping Becky, I still buy enough for two and it's been 9 months. Every week I end up throwing out food but then still buy it again.

Just keep telling yourself that this is not forever. You're not going to be single forever, alone forever, nor unhappy forever. It [censored] that this happened to us. It just plain [censored]. I would much rather have spent this year raising a child and building my business than in therapy, on the couch depressed, and hiding out from the world. But I can't change anything.

I've been reading One Year to Live and in it the author talks about the experience of death and illness and how if we view them as "ours" they are much more painful. "My cancer" as opposed to "the cancer". He said that when we realize that 250,000 people will die on the same day we do, it's not as lonely, it's not as isolating, nor then as scary.

I read somewhere that over 1 million Americans will get divorced this year. That means that roughly 500,000+ people are shopping for one that would rather be shopping for two. That's a lot of people. I'm one of them. So are all the people on this board.

I'm sorry you had to see your H at a funeral of all places, and if we lived close I'd invite you over for dinner and some exception bitching about our spouses. But I can't. So know that you're in my thoughts and we share the same pain tonight.

Big hug,

PP

[beckyb]

Thanks PP. Tomorrow I'm cooking for finds so hopefully it won't all go to waste.

[beckyb]

Thinking back over interactions with H yesterday I think I did ok. I have been in LRT mode for more than 2 months and for the last month have minimized my contact. It took a month in to not be emotional around him. Since he moved out we have only seen each other twice. Yesterday:
*I looked pretty good and you could definitely tell I lost weight
*Was calm and friendly
*Did not get on him about getting all this stuff moved. Just asked a few question about what he left. (definate 180)
*Told him it looked like he lost some weight. One of the things he liked about me in the beginning was I made him feel special.
*I validated the pain he has from a current injury without telling him what to do about it.
*Didn't probe for information OW or ask any other R questions.

Not that I think it will do any good but what the heck.

Everyone is pressuring me to force him to get his stuff out and to move quickly with the D. I am so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted I just want to let things go for a little while and see what happens. He may be moving D along without telling me but I can't predict that. All I can do it try to be prepared for it.

[beckyb]

After the funeral service yesterday I became upset and hurried to the bathroom. H noticed. This evening he texted me to say he noticed I rushed oit and wad I ok. Interesting.

[asitis]

Damn them when they show they are still human (at least a bit)! Why can't they just be consistent?

Seriously, I'm sorry for your pain. It always is difficult when you can't just feel that without your R intruding.

[job]

becky,
I realize you are new to the forum, so I'll share some info with you. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 replies/postings. By doing so, it is easier for posters to follow your situation as well as you being able to go back and review your progress.

If you want to change your subject, you can do that when you respond to someone's posting in the subject line.


Edit - these two threads are now merged together - Cadet

[Avanti]

Beckyb, your thoughts are, almost exclusively, about him and it's causing you pain and anguish.

His not being bothered by the change of locks is a good thing because it shows you did it in a controlled way. It could have been a horrible situation and you've deftly avoided it.

What have you done recently regarding your life?

Move your focus onto things that make you happy, break your cycle of negative or anxious thoughts, all they do is get worse the more time you spend on them. Go for a walk/run or meditate (look up the non-spiritual Mindfulness Meditation, it's easy and works wonders), just do something different.

Being blunt and not wishing to upset you in any way as you are a great and very caring person, if you keep on thinking and doing what your are right now, you will keep on getting similar if not identical results.

Make a conscious decision to change and act as if you have changed until you really have, this will make you so much better even if it does feel a bit odd at times. Be gentle on yourself and define your direction by looking inward at what you really want to do in life, what things have you always wanted to do, fancied trying or have left behind? There are many things, it's allowing them to come to mind by focussing is all that needs to happen.

Once you done all this and got it firmly part of your mindset, then and only then can you even start to think about your R with your H, if you don't there's a good chance you damage things further.

There is a wonderful person inside of you, let her out and become the person you are destined to be. You've got loads of us cheering you on, make it happen and soon you'll be wondering why it took you so long as things are so much clearer for you and less painful.

Looking forward to your ongoing posts.

[beckyb]

Beagley,

I actually stay very busy with friends, exercise and future plans. I attend church, read the bible and pray all the time. I am joining a women's group at chruch. I'm starting Divorce Care on 9/14. I also plan to join some Meetup groups when I feel a little more emotionally stable.

I was 40 years old when we got married. I already did all the "single" things I care to do so I don't have that kind of bucket list. I am now figuring out what my new life will look like and trusting God to get me there.

I have been dong extremely well in my interactions with H. He sees me GAL and being positive. This weekend I experimented with validating and complimenting him in a very small way. No pursuing, no questioning, no R talk at all. The result, I think, was a proactive text from him commenting on something I did on Saturday and asking if I was ok.

In the last week I may have seen a little shift in him. He is showing a little concern. (not that he was an overt jerk before). Knowing my H, that could mean a couple of things. He might be turning back to me a little, or he might be getting ready to take the next step with the D or the OW and he's checking to see if I can handle it. I am trying to be prepared for either.

My obsessive thoughts are getting better and I am working really hard to detach. But since I have not completely given up on my marriage I do think about it quite a bit. That's why I'm on this board.

[Avanti]

That's awesome beckyb!

If you look at what has changed recently, is it because you've been focussing on you, or on him? Whichever it is, do more and any influence you have will increase, that is beyond doubt.

You may not get the result you desire, we all have to face that, but you will be a better person as a result.

Even if your H does make the wrong decision, it's not the end rather a step in the wrong direction and something that you learn from and adapt to accordingly.

[beckyb]

I'm not sure why he is reacting this way and I may be reading too much into it. My DB coach says that often clients miss small shifts. I don't want to miss something important but don't want to read too much into things either. I have just noticed a very, very small shift since I went dark and only started communicating in response to something he sends me. It could be because I dropped my petition for separation and I'm not fighting the divorce. Or it could be that he is getting ready to drop another bomb. Who knows.

I'm trying to send the signal that I am going to be ok and I'm moving forward. Emotionally I am still very attached and but I'm going to fake it until I make it.