H was aggravated last night as he lay in bed. I asked if he was mad at me, and he said no. So, I just said "OK" and rolled over. Who knows what was on his mind? More towards very early morning, he rolled over and held me and pulled me in tight to him.
He lay there this morning just staring at the ceiling with a grumpy look on his face. I greeted the morning like I usually do, singing my "good morning sunshine doggies" song and smiling. He kept staring at me. I started breakfast and came back and he was still laying there looking grumpy. I asked if he was mad, and he said no. I asked if he felt OK and he said yes. So, I asked if he just didn't want to get out of bed, and he said yes. I said, "fine, do what you want." And I went to do dishes.
He ate breakfast on his own while I cleaned house. Usually I sit there with him. By the time I was finished and joined him, he was out of his funk. I picked up the kitchen and he gave me a hug. Held onto me, but I held him loosely. He then gave me a second hug and a kiss on the cheek. Instead of looking into his eyes, I immediately turned my head and presented my cheek to him. I made sure to smile lots so that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong or that I was upset with him. Just wanted to present the image of not being pursuing.
This will take some practice, I think. How do I meld the two so that they are fluid? Being emotionally available to him when he needs me but not pursuing... how does this work, anyway? Oh well, it will come to me, I think. I am thinking that I will repeat over and over in my mind "I love this man, I do not NEED this man." Perhaps that will come across in my actions. Sort of like if you smile when you are down, it will become genuine eventually.
I think you are doing such a great job!Keep up the good work! It is so very hard to not seem like we are pressuring or pursuing. My H came over SAt nite and we ML and ate and watched TV. We had a good time. I wanted him to stay and I think he wanted to as well but EGO and PRIDE is in the way right now. I wanted to ask but I didn't. I always feel good when I get past an urge to pursue. He came over SUnday and drooped S off. He ate dinner w/us. He sat around a little bit and then he got up to go. I said ehile touching rubbing his back,enjoy the rest of your day honey. He said, I'll try although I will probably sleep half of it away. I said if sleep is what you need, then make sure you get it. He looked at me and said you are something else.
Quote: Instead of looking into his eyes, I immediately turned my head and presented my cheek to him. I made sure to smile lots so that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong or that I was upset with him. Just wanted to present the image of not being pursuing.
Good work!
Quote: This will take some practice, I think. How do I meld the two so that they are fluid? Being emotionally available to him when he needs me but not pursuing... how does this work, anyway?
Yes, this is the struggle isn't it? I've been thinking more and more about Gottman's idea of communication bids, of us being able to make a positive response to their bids. The additional thing here I'm adding is to let our spouses initiate that interaction with us, without following them around trying to make it happen. We want them to step through the door, so that they are making the bid to start interaction with us. And we know what to do from there, right?
Quote: Oh well, it will come to me... "I love this man, I do not NEED this man."
hey rotz: I love you new plan! and yes, get a life of your own a back off a bit. I was so pressured and when people are pressured, they do things they normally wouldn't do. Work on yourself. Always being their cheerleading isn't necessarily a good thing-just adds to the pressure. I never asked ex how his day went. I strated everynight when he came home, how was your day, after about two weeks of it he was like okay enough already I get your point!
H just called for our lunchtime chat. I was pleasant, and listened, but did not offer anything about my day until he asked. He is lamenting lack of time, which is part of what got us into this mess in the first place. Says he has to work through lunch but he wants to go online to his BB autophile group. I told him he can do that at home, and he says "I have other things to do at home."
This made me a bit PO'd. I have been getting up early to make him breakfast, and lunch, and then clean so that when he comes home, he can relax. I feel as if he doesn't recognize this effort. We have a clean house, but it's very cluttered by my plants and dog stuff, and lack of storage and 1/2 finished projects.
Now, I have a new goal, to get the house finished up once and for all. Sigh, I really want to be able to relax myself at some point. But, all my projects are half done around the house (I'm not the only one, H also has plenty of 1/2 finished projects) and it stresses H out.
Laurie had told me during my phone counseling that I need to make the house a place where H WANTS to come home and relax. He had told me at one point that when I am not home, he enjoys his time and is himself, but when I walk in the door, time speeds up.
I am tired already from lack of sleep. I have been staying up late to be with H, getting up early to cook and clean, and I just plain need more sleep. I don't know how long I can do this. I need to take care of myself, but I am running out of time. UGH UGH UGH. I hate this.
Nothing I can do but break it into pieces so I don't stress and tackle one thing at a time.
go to flybabies.com for hints on how to get your hands around the clutter and mess. It may not be 180 degrees day one, but once you get ahead of it, it should get easier.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Yeah, I saw those posts, I've been following them. The issue I have is that it's all projects and papers that need to be scanned into the computer and then shredded. It's years worth of neglect in my office and too many plants in my livingroom. (I collect orchids, jasmine, tropical plants and rare food type plants.) H does bonsai, so some of it is his.
I have picked up a few tips from the flyladies on this BB. They certainly have mustered a lot of strength to keep going.
Quote: Yeah, I saw those posts, I've been following them. The issue I have is that it's all projects and papers that need to be scanned into the computer and then shredded. It's years worth of neglect in my office and too many plants in my livingroom. (I collect orchids, jasmine, tropical plants and rare food type plants.) H does bonsai, so some of it is his.
I have picked up a few tips from the flyladies on this BB. They certainly have mustered a lot of strength to keep going.
well, when I find something of that magnitude, just set up some boundaries - I will scan for 30 min today; I will scan for 1 hour today - and reward myself with a nice hot shower/bath, Latte at the mall, anything when I do it.
repeat.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
You're not out of time, dear. You're just filling your time with activities that you believe your H expects from you.
Well, girlfriend, now is the time to hang up that hat and just veg out. Do yourself a favor and make a list of things to do today. Here's the catch: only put one thing that is related to the household (grocery shopping, 1 load of laundry, etc.). I want to see some things that are you related in a warm and fuzzy way.
No comfort food... only comfort tasks.
Make sense? You're not out to win a race, Rott. That means that everything has a time and a place, including chores. Chores suck!
Hugs to you today,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
