Today has been one of those "sad" days, they come along and I know it will pass, just have to ride it out.
Today is h birthday, I broke nc to text him birthday wishes. We ended up texting for a bit, he asked how I was doing and how my job was going. I told him I am struggling a bit with the job but I feel that it is self imposed pressure as my bosses seem happy with the dept progress so far. He gave me a bit of a pep talk and advice from a manager's point of view, it helped and his support and confidence in me was nice to hear.
He talked about his latest session with his shrink - I dont ask details, I dont want to know and its his story to tell if he wishes. He did say that the shrink threw up some challenging questions which caused more inward reflection. He sees he has made some poor decisions and seeing them for that is painful.
I asked him to be honest with me if I turn out to be a poor decision, he replied " no, you're not a poor decision, though are involved in mine" - I don't quite know if he meant I helped create his poor decisions or that I am affected because of them - its something I can't ask so will now wonder about.
Something that also got talked about was renting a beach cottage for a few weeks when it's warmer, taking the dogs and having time out from life to reset. I talked as if it was both of us but his thoughts on it were a bit confusing and I am not sure if he meant alone or both of us, I do not like to presume or ask, so its a wait and see if he brings it up again.
We talked about s18 for a bit and then I wished him a lovely rest of his day. He thanked me and said we will speak soon - I also got two xx, it's getting more regular with his signing off now and whilst I should not read anything into it, to me is a nice finish to the texting.
So this is why the sad hit today. I know its time and patience, its so hard sometimes, I am naturally impatient, but I also know the slower we go the more chance we have. Today's sad day has been about knowing that despite all of this, giving us every chance possible, that we may not make it through together.
In other areas of my life : s18 has returned home, he told me the house share has fallen through so wants to remain living with me. I put some rules in place and so far he has been pretty good about sticking to them. Today he got himself a full time job at a takeaway pizza chain and he has talked about going back to college next year to finish his course. So far it seems like his "time out" with dad has made his realise how good he has it with me !!
GAL - lots going on and been to a few friends for drinks. I have started crafting again and am enjoying that. I have really got to start trying to save a little bit of money each week as I have been invited to a few festivals in the summer.
Generally all is going along ok, the ups and downs still happen, the tears occasionally come along too, but I realise that it is still early days in the process, added to the mix is h dipping in and out and the limbo situation with him.
