Thanks for the post and the links, Cadet. I think what I really need to work on is validation. He very very rarely tells me what he wants or feels, then gets angry when he doesn't get what he wants or feels. So I think I could look for the rare occasions where he does let me know what is happening inside, and validate that.
I am not sure if all the advice really applies to our situation though. I don't think he wants to leave me - I am sure he's not happy, but he seems to be content enough with me leaving him alone and us living like housemates. I couldn't go more 'dark' and still be a co-parent and live in this house. We have entirely separate social lives and when I go out he rarely asks or is interested in where I am going.
I am going to think this over more - but I wonder if it is me who needs to BD.
I am not okay with a roommates relationship and I'm not okay with us pretending this is a marriage when it isn't. I don't feel okay about financially supporting him. I am not happy with the lack of intimacy. I am not sure I can fix these on my own, but I am willing to own my part in them. I can't read his mind, and I can't meet needs I don't know he has. I don't want to give an ultimatum, but I do feel it would be more honest for us to end the relationship, or have a physical and financial separation. I would be open to that, and to meeting regularly to talk and improve things. But I am not okay with carrying on being his paycheque and nothing more.
If anyone has any advice for me, or thinks I am looking at this in the wrong way, I want to hear it. I can stand brutal and direct feedback and am open to that.
