H was aggravated last night as he lay in bed. I asked if he was mad at me, and he said no. So, I just said "OK" and rolled over. Who knows what was on his mind? More towards very early morning, he rolled over and held me and pulled me in tight to him.
He lay there this morning just staring at the ceiling with a grumpy look on his face. I greeted the morning like I usually do, singing my "good morning sunshine doggies" song and smiling. He kept staring at me. I started breakfast and came back and he was still laying there looking grumpy. I asked if he was mad, and he said no. I asked if he felt OK and he said yes. So, I asked if he just didn't want to get out of bed, and he said yes. I said, "fine, do what you want." And I went to do dishes.
He ate breakfast on his own while I cleaned house. Usually I sit there with him. By the time I was finished and joined him, he was out of his funk. I picked up the kitchen and he gave me a hug. Held onto me, but I held him loosely. He then gave me a second hug and a kiss on the cheek. Instead of looking into his eyes, I immediately turned my head and presented my cheek to him. I made sure to smile lots so that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong or that I was upset with him. Just wanted to present the image of not being pursuing.
This will take some practice, I think. How do I meld the two so that they are fluid? Being emotionally available to him when he needs me but not pursuing... how does this work, anyway? Oh well, it will come to me, I think. I am thinking that I will repeat over and over in my mind "I love this man, I do not NEED this man." Perhaps that will come across in my actions. Sort of like if you smile when you are down, it will become genuine eventually.
