RJ2, You have SO nailed it. I have come to realize fairly recently that H probably had EA with OW and lost/hid feelings for me because he wanted so desperately to please me and make me happy and didn't feel as if he was able to. This OW was happy with him and he felt he could make her happy because she (in his mind, I think...) didn't have as high of expectations as I did.
I have begun (a few weeks now) to constantly make sure to be his cheerleader and point out the good he does for me. I've told him continually that I have felt more loved and appreciated in the last few weeks than I have in years.
H's emotions are so tender and delicate. I don't want to be the one who eats him alive and leaves a shell. I love this man, and I want him to know that he makes me happy. I want him to (one day) be able to look in my eyes and see my smile and think to himself "yeah, **I** did that!"
Little things hurt my H. Like the day on my bday weekend when I wanted Mexican and he brought us to a different restaurant. He got upset that he "couldn't find" the restaurant. Yet, he never thought to ask me. Or over this weekend, we had a picnic lunch planned with his kids and his friend and friend's kids. I wanted to serve the adults first so I knew that they would have food. (Four of the six children were boys and huge eaters...) I did tell H this, BTW. H offered the food to the children first, and I must have had a reaction (maybe I sighed?) I wasn't aware of. I noticed H being quiet and asked what was wrong. He said "I did something wrong and I'm just trying to figure out what it was." I said "Don't worry, I will fix it." Yet, he was kicking himself the rest of the time we were there eating lunch. It was a stupid, little thing, but he takes things so hard. And I probably did wrong by saying **I** would fix it, but I didn't know what else to say. I just wanted to minimize the focus on the "mistake." I really didn't get angry or even think it was a big deal. I didn't know how to convey that to H, though, because he was in "I can't do anything right" mode.
H told me that he thinks I am so sensitive. When he says something that hurts me, he thinks nothing of it. This is just another example of how he doesn't see reality. He is so sensitive, I can never say anything even slightly negative without him taking it as a failure on his part.
The other thing is he used to get bugged when he gave me a compliment and I responded in the negative (i.e. "No, I'm not.") Yet, if I tell him he's handsome or smart, he responds negatively also.
