hold on!! - 12

[u-turn]

Thank you so much jelly and V - your support means SO much to me - more than you can imagine - really if it wasn't for you and everyone else here, I would feel very alone as my friends have ran to the hills - I think because they fear this and don't want to be around it. I am trying to be discrete with my family - though they know a little. But here I can talk and listen.

Jelly - what you wrote is very comforting - I will respond more thoroughly soon. I feel like I've never been a bad dad, in fact I think I've done pretty good. I've laid the groundwork for a good longstanding relationship with my kids - though I know life happens and can change anything. I do want to do whatever it takes to keep this.

thank you - V. I don't know if anyone has lit a candle for me before - I am so honored that you care.
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Saturday morning, I did text WW that I wanted to talk with her - she responded okay a couple hours later.

The kids were gone (I did not have opportunity to talk with them before they left)

I proceeded to tell her my script (I stuck to it).

I told her I filed for d. - she said ok.
I told her that she will be served soon. - she said "at work?" and I assured her no (this already was making me think that she is still only worried about her image - but I would not want to have that happen to me at work (why does she think I am a monster?)
I told her that I hope we can work together to tell the kids - she smirked
I told her that I hope we can work together to co-parent the kids - she started to get ramped up about this saying that is what she wanted all along but I was unwilling to budge (her idea is to keep things exactly as they are - that's co-parenting).

She is angry that I went to a L to do this and we could have worked this out by ourselves. She asked what I listed as the reason.

I told her that this is a no fault state and there is no reason. She is worried that the reason will come out in court when working out custody (again she only cares about her image).

Then things got a little heated. She wanted to yell about my faults and how I have been unwilling to talk or look at her for the last four months. Then she stated how she wishes I would get killed in an accident.

I told her that I just wanted to let her know this and I left for the rest of the day.

When I got back she was gone, but I noticed that she went through my office and my file that had all of my D paperwork, bills & receipts was gone. She took it and when she came home she threw it across the kitchen.

I calmly asked if she found what she needed. She found that I had info about her DUI in there. She starts yelling about how she thinks I am going to use this against her to prove she's a bad parent. I have no intention to do this, don't think she's a bad mom and want the kids to have both of us in their lives. (she really thinks I am a monster)

I simply said that I have no intention of doing that. (her all important image again - what if the kids find out about it?)

She's mad that I told her a day before my parents party - why didn't I wait until after?

I told her that she would think I was an a-hole no matter when I told her. I wanted her to know before the party in case it came up from my parents who don't always think about what they say.

Today she was still spewing about the party, my parents, she just went on and on. She thinks I am being smug and thinking I am perfect and innocent. She is angry that I have no emotion about this (I really do feel no emotion about this - just stress)

She's mad that my parents talked to my brother about my sitch and it's none of their business and why didn't I stop them. (I was never their for any of those convs.) she is mad that they are so judgmental and were sh!tty parents to me anyway. (not necessarily untrue, but very much irrelevant). She said she wasn't going to allow the kids to go with me to the party with me or see my parents. (this was not acceptable to me and I told her)

Blah Blah. I validated some of the things she said, but some of the things she was saying were irrelevant to what was happening.

So I assumed that she was not going to go to the party, but at the last minute she asked D15 if she wanted her to go and of course D15 said yes and she came with us.

I put on my happiest face (I was actually enjoying myself - great to celebrate such an event).Kids were happy, brother and nieces were there. WW was pleasant. we didn't fight, I even managed to pour her a glass of wine and joked with her a couple times (she actually laughed).

I felt more at ease with her than I have for a long time - I don't know why. It sure makes me question myself and my actions. I'm sure I will have plenty of these self-questioning moments though.

-----

later got a text from WW that we need to get a plan of what we are telling the kids - that this is not their fault, that we both love them, that we will parent them together, living arrangements.

I agreed and she wants me to write some notes that we can combine with hers and agree on.

I would like to tell the kids:
-Your mom and I are getting a divorce. (I will say that I filed for divorce - I am ok with that)
-There is nothing that you did to cause this, and nothing you could have done or can do to fix it.
-We both love you very much
-We have many things to figure out, but be assured that you will be able to spend time with both of us (I don't think she will like how this is worded)
-Also be assured that if you have any questions or concerns that you can come to either of us and we will answer you honestly (She won't like this one either).

I think that is all that's important right now. The questions will come and I think we could deal with them when needed.

She will likely add that we grew apart, people grow apart. I will not agree to this.

Thanks for listening to my rant - sorry I went on so long - Told you it was going to be an eventful weekend.