Recovery from cancer and separation

[asitis]

Shotgun, a lot of spouses can't handle a life-threatening illness well. It reminds them of their own mortality for one. It reminds them of how weak they can become. It scares them that the person they have come to rely on is unable to be there for them, and unconsciously they take it as a kind of betrayal. It is not healthy, and this is why IC is so important for the S as well as the patient in those situations: it draws into the consciousness this unconscious reaction so that it can be seen for what it really is and addressed.

So, on the one hand, recognize that your W is far from unusual in this even if it is deeply hurtful that she added abandonment at the moment you needed her most. I know that it contributed to my own M problems, although to a lesser extent than yours obviously. On the other hand, it makes you aware of the fragility of Rs during times of great stress and to appreciate the need to see any future R in a new way. I'd have a lot of trouble forgiving the kind of betrayal you experienced.

And you are turning around and making your difficulty living up to some kind of stoic image of courage that men are supposed to exude. There is a lot of shame for letting your W down, for failing your M, for blaming your own frailty and humanity for the disaster. I'm sure you blame your W a good deal, but the way you put things really screams a particular type of male shame that is something that society saddles us with to our suffering. Please don't see yourself in this way. The reality is that even the strongest of us can be reduced to pleading, begging, weak, dependent creatures. The bravest heroes in the classical Greek heroic literature (read the Iliad for instance) are very different from our pop culture heroes. One minute they are wading through the enemy seemingly beyond human limits. The next they are cowering, running in sheer terror, and with a total loss of dignity. We do ourselves great harm if we don't recognize that all of us can go through such times in our lives. Men are particularly susceptible to this kind of self-loathing, as society has sold us a bill of goods.

Please show yourself some compassion for your weakness. It is a sign of your humanity. It means that you are just like the rest of us. Really. And, the courage comes from your picking yourself up and not letting those times define you. By seeing that you are incredibly courageous and strong to stand up and do some very hard work to get yourself healthy after such an ordeal.

Trust me that I had to go through some of the same process. I reacted to my own weakness and dependence, at my feelings of failing my family (esp. my older S whose dad couldn't be there with him in the way he had for the first 4 years of his life) by throwing myself into regaining my sense of strength and vitality. It was natural (and healthy and good in a practical sense - so I'm not trying to discourage you from continuing to throw yourself into regaining your life), but fortunately I had a therapist who pointed out that I needed to deal with my shame at being laid so low and fear of not being the kind of man none of us could live up to. If you don't have such a therapist, raise the issue yourself in a therapy relationship. It really is a lot of harmful baggage we are much better learning to shed ourselves of.

Man hugs!