Well, Renew, (and all others who are in my "place" right now )Betsey is right on again.
Friday, you guys kicked me in the pants, and I needed it. I tried to post, but got locked up in my computer. So, here is the weekend recap early...
Friday, H came home and asked if my friend at work had left for good. He said "I guess he wanted a hug from everyone before he left." I laughed gently and kidded, "do you mean, 'I guess he wanted a hug from ME' before he left?" H laughed a bit and said, "Yes." I said, "Yes, he did." A bit later, he looked at me and said "You look really nice, no wonder he wanted a hug. Did he do it like this?" He then proceeded to give me a hug and grab my butt. So, I had to laugh inside myself because I know he was sitting there for a few minutes wondering and it got the better of him and he had to ask. I told him, no, he stood in my doorway and said "goodbye." I said "goodbye" and kept typing. When he kept standing there and finally asked if he could have a hug, I hugged him with my chair in the way, to keep us distant. H said "Oh." I could sense the relief.
(Renew, here's the part that may help you...) Then, today, we had a rough day. I have been moody, and he's been snappy. No reason, just not having a great day. We wound up having a R talk. We got on the topic of pressure. H says he feels pressure from me. I said there's no pressure. He says that I say that, but when he looks in my eyes, he sees that I want something that he can't give me right now. He sees the pain and longing for a kiss or closeness, and he still doesn't feel it. He says he wants this R to work, but he feels pressure to either begin to feel love again, or give up and move on-sooner rather than later so he can stop hurting me.
I mumbled some stuff about us coming a long way, and having been distant and angry with each other for 6 months, all while he was having EA with OW. That I thought we should at least give it 6 months. H looked down and distant. I asked if he didn't agree. He said, "No, I do." But he sounded hesitant.
Renew, this gives me absolute proof that what I have been doing isn't working. It is almost the same feeling your wife was trying to convey. They feel we are pressuring them by always being there and making them feel like we want something and are waiting for them to make up our minds. Now, you are not in an enviable position, I admit, because of OM, while my H has given up OW. However, Renew, your W has also, in her own way, told you it MAY work out if you play your cards right.
My H told me that he didn't think he could have let OW and him get to the point of an PA because he did love me so much at one time and we do still share an attachment. He would have stopped it eventually.
I think I have heard some great clues and H has told me indirectly but clearly what he needs. It's the same stuff I was saying I thought I needed to do. Only, now I have it right from the horse's mouth... He needs space. He needs me to get a life. He needs to stop feeling pressure when he looks at me because it reminds him that he is hurting me and he cares about me. It must be hard for him because if he looks at me and feels he is hurting me, how CAN he begin to love me again? How can you love someone you know you are hurting?
Doesn't it make perfect sense to me now.
Michele's whole theory makes perfect sense.
If I back off, H will feel relief from the pressure. He will view my backing off as forgiveness of the pain he has caused me. He will be able to see that I have moved on, and therefore, I must have forgiven him and therefore he can then forgive himself and finally feel for me again.
I vow to do the following (all of which I am until today guilty of) 1. STOP looking into his eyes trying to see what's not there. (Even if I do know it's there, but just hidden.) 2. STOP trying to entice H to kiss me. 3. STOP spending every waking moment with H (despite there being so much good when we are together. How will he ever miss me and want to be with me if I am always at his beck and call?) 4. STOP trying to make him physically intimate with me. 5. BEGIN enjoying time together as friends and not always trying to insinuate myself next to him so that we have physical contact.
My H has given me such a gift. He has all but laid the map out for me. In fact, I would go so far as to say he has written the recipe for our success. If I now do not follow that recipe and we fail, who can I blame but myself? He has as good as told me to lay off and it will work. He has also all but told me that he feels pressure to end this situation soon so he can stop the hurt, and if I don't relieve the pressure, he will just end it to stop the bleeding.
I am so happy, and I am so scared. But, I am growing used to the being afraid part. Hopefully, that means it won't be hanging it's ugly head around much longer.
I hope this journey (so far) is helping some of you to see what not to do so that you can learn from my mistakes, and my successes.
Hang around, you all are about to see a HUGE bunch of successes.
)Betsey is right on again. 
