I am back. It has been a very long time since I've posted.
I think we're still on the brink - and perhaps the brink is the only place we'll ever be.
We sleep separately, there's very little sex, we do spend time together when I initiate it, but we don't when I don't make it happen.
His complaints are the same - mainly to do with me being controlling and him not having enough space. I have withdrawn as much as I can while still living in the same house, and the result is that we're having an in-house separation in all but name.
I'm not sure what he wants. I do ask - but he seems to experience my asking as pressure, or control. He seems happier when I leave him alone. I GAL, which means I have friends, interests and hobbies that I really enjoy pursuing, and time alone with both my children - again, which I enjoy. But this seems to drive us further apart. I have worked a lot on my communication and I've been really good with my boundary of speaking respectfully to him and not allowing him to speak disrespectfully to me. Which means we don't talk, because often when we speak he does nasty sarcastic impressions of me, or interrupts me to tell me that I am mentally ill and can't be trusted (I do have a history of a mental illness, which was treated and is resolved and I have tools for maintaining my health which I implement daily - exercise, meditation, etc) or he tells me what I think and feel (not always accurate) and then responds as if that's the truth. It's like he's carrying on a conversation with himself sometimes. So I leave.
There's not really been a BD. He's made it clear to me he does not trust my perception of things, that he wants more time alone and separate lives, and he's here for the kids. This isn't mind-reading - this is what he verbally says to me when I try to initiate conversation about improving our relationship. I am still the main wage earner and he does not work, but is at home with the kids. They're both in full time school now.
I feel like I am heading towards a BD of my own. I believe that he deserves support and patience because many of our problems relate to how I behaved when I was sick, and my refusal to seek treatment for too long. That was my fault. I have corrected it but of course the impact on him isn't just going to disappear because I want it to. I also feel resentful that I am here, willing, financially supporting all of us, ready to listen and make changes, and he seems to be content with the situation as it is even though he knows I am unhappy. He is not having an affair (to my knowledge - I don't believe he is and have no suspicions) but it feels like cake-eating to me anyway. It seems he has all the benefits of being married (the stability, the security, the house, the ability to choose not to be in paid work) without any of the responsibilities of being a husband. But I don't want him to be a husband because he 'owes' me. I want a partner and I want him to want me. I don't think he does, and I am still here, two years later, and that feels hard - like I'm selling myself out and losing my integrity.
I know I am at the very least 50% responsible for where we are and I want to put in 100% effort. At the same time, I resent him assuming that I will continue to financially support him into the long term when the marriage seems to be a practical convenience for him. He very badly wants to do a training course that starts next year. This is a huge improvement for him and really positive. I've not actually seen him want anything for himself and his own enjoyment for a long time. I think it's a good decision and suited to his interests and abilities. I do want him to be able to achieve his goals. But (no mind-reading) it appears his plan is for me to financially support him in that while knowing he is not really 'in' our marriage.
I suppose we could carry on like this for years and years. But I don't want to. I'd prefer to improve things rather than end things but I don't know how to improve things without a basic of respect and participation from him, and I don't have that.
