STBX BD'd you, saw another man, and pursued her own selfish interests despite her vows and the fact that it would cause irreversible damage to her family. Until she acknowledges that, ends the A, and states directly that she wants to know if there's any chance to work through the damage that's been done, I see no reason to discuss anything with her regarding the R.
Keeping the road home smooth...that's fine. You don't have to be rude, hostile, or anything like that. But there are requirements for you two to have a relationship, and you can't be so eager for one that you lower the bar and compromise your boundaries, which I feel are extremely appropriate. I think you HAVE kept the road home paved by stating the requirements of your further discussion about a relationship between the two of you- that she end the A. You're not making the road home bumpy, she is, and she's not even on that road.
Many relationships are on again, off again, with repeated affairs, betrayals, and very poor quality of life- for YEARS. I see no reason you should subject yourself to that. She is not capable of being a good partner at this time.
What I see is attempts at cake eating, control, etc. She may be using S12 to keep you emotionally engaged, but she also may be trying to keep you emotionally engaged to try to control your decisions with S12. Doesn't matter. You need to take care of yourself, and that means not putting yourself in a spot where you can be drawn into her drama.
I do think you're being extremely unreasonable about this move. You're rationalizing why it means so much, and it sounds as loopy as a WAS rationalizing an A. Downsized positions and a lack of sun are not reasons to separate a parent and a child. You're acting extremely stubborn here, and to me it looks like you're emotionally attached and doing this to try to prove you're independent, or hoping to either punish her or show her the consequences of her behavior. I know you won't agree this way, I guess I shouldn't project motives onto you, but it really doesn't make any sense. Ask a few objective priests or counselors and see if they think it's best for S12 to wage a war and try to split up a family. I know, I know, she can move too- just stop. There isn't ONE person on this forum that thinks this makes any sense.
And besides, while you may not crave R right now, maybe, just maybe, you could stay in the same state, form a reasonable co-parenting R, and see what she does. While I agree with holding firm on your boundaries for R, I think you can be cooperative and reasonable. It could show your 180s in a coparenting role which you can have, without letting her cake eat. Oh, and it's better for S12, and probably for you too because it would be continued growth from this bulldozer path you're committed to.
Just my two cents. Take care HP
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
