Raliced the Eighth

[Mozza]

I get what your therapist is saying, Mozza, I do. However, for me there is something primal in the notion that when we get married we essentially tell one another that we choose one another above others. These days I find it is pretty painful to truly accept that didn't happen for me.

As you probably understood already, I'm the same. Last week, I went for a jog and probably spent half my time (and motivation) thinking of whether I could outrun OM, which is not going to happen: he's a competitive runner, ten years younger than me. But I want to be better than him at everything, to prove something. It's nothing that will make me better or happier, it's just this desire to be proven right. So, same for a relationship with WW: why try to prove that I'm better at it than him if it doesn't make me better, happier? What do I stand to gain from it? Why do I want it?

On a related note, this week I told my IC I wasn't confident I could find someone new who would stay this time. He asked why this is what I'm looking for, pointing that I'm looking for a relationship rather than a person. This might lead me down the same road. Remember that one of my IC's working theory was that I pushed my WW away, she was just the one to take the definitive step of S. I'm not sure I agree, but I keep the idea in a corner of my mind.

His mom seems very convinced that she is either gone or on the way out. That made me feel better but I wish it didn't matter so much to me.

Even if it's not confirmed, this also makes me a little too happy... There's such shadenfreude in seeing these R collapse. I love to be proven right. Of course, it gives me hope that this will happen in my case as well (and I'm sure it will). Sometimes I wonder if I want WW back or if I'd prefer that she lives in misery for the rest of her life for having dumped me.

By the way, it's fascinating to me that your WAH shares so little with his parents. His mom isn't even sure if he's a R!