Ho, hum, nothing to report today. H went out last night for his Thursday night karate get together without me. I was too tired and fell asleep. It was good to let him out on his own. He kissed me goodnight and got back at midnight. I was still in my clothes, and he said, "aw, you were such a tired little girl..." So, got up this morning, hit the snooze five times to cuddle more. I told H "get up" and he said "I can't" and went back to snuggling.
H sure does love to snuggle.
I sure do also.
I really hate to give it up, but I really need to find the strength to... give him something to long for again...
Goodbye hug again, another bouncy, happy morning. More "fill me up" hugs. H walked away pretending to be weighted down with hugs like he couldn't walk.
Then he left and I thought, "stagnant."
I know you all think I am crazy, but I need more. I need to draw H closer. I am not talking about not being patient, I am talking about not seeing progress. Not just now, but in the future. I can't see what I am doing now as getting results in the future. I am just too darn available to H. I fulfill all his needs, without making him long to be with me. I need to back away from the door.
Sigh, I was so enjoying this closeness.
But, I think this is a great time to back away... Just when he is showing that he wants to be with me. He wants to play with me. He is following me around, smiling at me, tucking me in, snuggling with me, plenty of hugs, making plans with me.
Time for "me" to not be "there" when he expects me to be there. Time to step back through that door, and wait for him to peek in at me. Time to be happy, bouncy girl from a distance. Time for H to think "gee, what she is doing looks like so much fun, I wish I could be with her..." Time for me to play HARD and have a good time for ME. There's plenty of time in the future to invite H to join me in my new play activities. Now is the time to open that door and tentatively begin to see my way through it.
I'm scared, but with the help and support of my new DB friends, I know that I will make it. I am strong, but strength does not negate the fear I feel right now.
I feel like I am risking it all. But, like Michele says, the only risk is in doing what isn't working.
This isn't working.
Drawing him near to me will work. I know myself, and I know H intimately.
I know that drawing him to me will work.
I've planted the seeds. Time for me to grow up into the fragrant honeysuckle plant I can be. Ummm... smell that fragrance? I know H will.
