Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Has your IC given you advice about how to move forward from the co-dependency? I hope you can get stronger, before WW decides to test your emotional attachment.

I hope you stay with us, b/c I think you'll need support. ((hugs))

The co-dependency is a self diagnosis, but I did share that with my IC last week, and she didn't really comment. I'm not sure what else I could do to fight that off. She thinks that limiting contact makes a ton of sense. She's kind of at this place were she just wants me to survive right now. She's really focused on my current emotional state, not really wanting to deep-dive on the more subtle stuff until I get closer to a point of healing. Makes sense. She's trying to manage me and keep me sane, just in the moment. Then there will be time to work on some deeper issues. She says she thinks that I'm mentally healthy and capable of a lot of self-healing, so we shall see. I am definitely sticking around here. My fight has just begun.

Sorry, but I still think the fear of abandonment is your own.

I'm interested to understand what you mean. I'm sure I have blindness in many areas, so perhaps you could give me some indication of the behaviors you see that give that impression. Don't hold back, I'm open to any and all constructive criticism. I am suffering a great loss, which I assume is fairly normal in my circumstances. I didn't want to lose the marriage, my family, my children, and everything I worked so hard to achieve.

That I stuck with is so long is definitely a weakness, but TBH, I mostly did it because a man just shouldn't leave his wife and small children because things are hard. Life is always hard. They needed me, and I was not about to let them down. I actually like to be alone. I have a lot of great people in my life, and I know that if I wanted to, I could be dating again really easily.

I don't know. Maybe it's that this relationship reaches all the way back into my childhood. The nature of it, the shape of it, in all it's suffering, my STBX's past, her pain. I didn't want the story to end this way. It was supposed to be a story of redemption, true love, and the spirit of grace. Dramatic thinking, but it's the kind of silliness that we dream of. Was not ready to let that go. Maybe I'm still not. But in the end, sticking in this place is going to get me no where. I have to rise above it. Drop the rope and walk away. I was the one to separate. I was the one who drew a line in the sand. If I was really afraid of abandonment, I feel like I wouldn't have done that. But I'm new to everything, and only now am discovering hidden bits deep down, so I am interested to get your perspective V. Thanks for taking the time and energy to care.