XW wants lunch with me and...........OM

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Dejavu, Ginger, Sotto and AJ.

Just checking in.

Remember a lot can happen in 15mos. Try to focus on today's facts not tomorrows "what-ifs".

True. Found out today that they aren't having a big wedding at all. They are going to have a "courthouse" wedding and just save for a real nice honeymoon. Not sure about the reception yet...

Yes, this woman clearly likes you. I'd ask her out. You did before? I can't quite remember.

Yes I did and she said that she doesn't date or even hang out with coworkers. Like I said, I get the feeling that she is afraid. I do have baggage. We have some great conversations. She is either afraid or has probably been really mistreated by someone in her past. Just a feeling, but I may be wrong.

You seem to like animals. Volunteer to help at a shelter.

I've given some thought to this and just might. I'm sort of in limbo at the moment because my schedule may be changing in the next few weeks. I've inquired about bowling leagues as well, but again, I have to wait to see what my schedule is like.

As for what can you do? Why not make yourself a list of 10 things you would love to do if you only had the confidence, motivation and time.....then make it happen.

I can work on this. Not sure if I can come up with 10, but I'll see what I can do.

As for the lunches to clear the air? Not so much. I see no reason you need to subject yourself to that unless you want to. In the end, you were there. You know what happened. You don't need "clarity" to see that.

I actually think it might do me some good to get things off of my chest, but it isn't going to happen. No thanks. Not sure I can be in the same room with her or OM. Not happening.

I'm still struggling to get out. I haven't even made it down to the pool in three weeks. I need to. I went out the other night and decided to go to the old nightclub that I used to hang out at with my radio buddies. I never made it. The further I got from home, the more nervous I got. The anxiety was the worst I've felt in a long time. I turned around and started heading home. It was strange: I wanted to hurry up and get home, but the closer I got to home, the slower I drove. I was being extra careful. Had this fear that I was going to get pulled over or I was going to get into an accident or someone or something was going to jump out in front of me. This is starting to become an issue that needs to get resolved soon or it is going to be a HUGE issue.

My confession:

I haven't disposed of my rats' cage yet. It is sitting right where it has always been. Everything is just as it was when they were alive. I can't bring myself to part with it. Treats that they had hidden are still there. I can't do it. Not yet. Is it weird that I also tell my tattoo good night every night? I have both of their remains on my nightstand. I also tell the containers that they are in good night every night as well. Sad? Yeah....and not like the old me at all. My grandmother was obviously right: I am way too sentimental.

S29 told me the other day that XW just seems angry at the world and is wound way too tight. He's right. She's angry at everything. According to him, she went from being a "scientist" to a "biologist" and now is telling everyone that she is an "ecologist." She's actually teaching middle school science at the moment, but according to S29, she's not happy with that either.....calls her students "retards" or "idiots."

Tomorrow starts my weekend. I NEED to find something to do.

Tomorrow also would have been my 30th wedding anniversary.
THIRTY YEARS. Gone.

Peace.

Tad