I have been thinking about you. Sometimes being pressed to leap into an action that scares or rattles us, is exactly as it is meant to be. My recent lesson is that life shows up exactly how it needs to be, be that a positive or negative thing.
I very much like what you wrote to say to wife, simple but not simplistic, it was on point I felt. I very much hope that you get to manage this sitch in a way that is best for you and the children.
You are the protective father of your lovely D15. Just so you know my mother told us kids that she was leaving my father, before she told him. I appreciated it very much as it allowed me to prepare for father's reaction. They then sat us down together and told us and asked us what we wanted.
I have to say too though U. There was more drama to come after that, in fact a lot more. However what I knew about my mother then, was that she was going to be honest and truthful about the whole sitch.
Another thing I have learned over time, was it wasn't my parents acrimonious separation and custody dispute that impacted me, it was my father's relationship with me prior to during and after that determined how I felt about him and myself. While my mother attempted to protect me throughout it, ultimately my relationship with my father was mine. You will attempt to protect where you can, and provide and guidance and listening ear, and love where you can't protect. Unfortunately for kids of a divorce this is a life lesson come too soon, however a valuable one.
As part of my work, I talk everyday to parents in custody disputes. My advice to the parents of teens, is build their networks and supports around them, that don't just include you.
Teens by natural development are separating themselves from their parents at this time anyway, in these cases they often, turn to their peers and good friends. My advice is to let the parents of the good friends of your child know that change is happening in the home. They don't need to know that detail, a simple " we are divorcing" is often enough, and just ask that they keep an eye on your child. Lots of teens will talk to their friends. The friends often talk to their parents about any worries they have for their friend going through the hard time. If parents of the friend know they can give their child some good advice about how to support your child through this hard time. And on occasion I know that the friends parent have felt sufficient concern to let the parent of the friend know. Id make sure that the friends parent knows you are a contact person for your daughter if they are concerned.
You have spoken before about your older boys talking to their sister. This is a huge strength and safety place for your girl. Just ensure the boys are getting their support from you so they feel able to support her, without their stuff about mum and the D getting in the way.
I feel so reassured from reading posts on this website, that DBing has brought so many father's closer to their children. You are already half way there U, you already are a great dad! This situation will just nudge you in the same direction.
As for you dear friend, I appreciate the pain you are experiencing, and I know the challenge you feel sometimes in expressing it here in written words ( you know I have the same problem). But please keep posting, you have done so well over this period leading up to D conversation. I will be here (as you said you know I will), just say Hi too much going on, feeling crap, feeling relieved.
I have rambled too much, I really just wanted you to know that we are standing here behind you, an interesting lot, with a lot of love for you dear U-turn.
