Finally asking for help:

[sandi2]

I think I may be up to speed, now. I'm sorry you have been in so much pain.

A recurring theme I see in a lot of threads is how many WW's want to keep her H as her BFF. When the WW says how she doesn't want to lose his friendship, many LBH'S mistake this to be a promising sign. It isn't. As long as there is another man in her head, she will not have feelings for her H.......deeper than a platonic friendship.

I remember one man who actually admitted that he would settle for just her friendship. He said they had been friends before they were lovers, and he was counting on it happening again. Well, it sounds real sweet, right? (Although MWD copied a letter from one person who made those claims.......we don't really have many details. I do not recall any stories on the boards, but I could have missed it.) Btw, I have never known or heard of a case where the woman loved a man like a brother.....and then it developed into a sexual love. From what little I know about men, they hate to be told the woman loves him like a brother.

Here's the thing that many men don't get about women. In the beginning of their R, she felt something. I would say she was attracted to him......even though they claimed to be just friends. It was her feelings of attraction that caused the friendship to move toward a romantic/sexual level, and getting M. IMHO, the WW loses those loving (romantic & sexual) feelings for her H. It is complex and I won't go into it too much here. I will just say that she has to respect you as a man, first, before she begins to see you in a different light and feel desire for you. That is how women are designed by God. Otherwise, you could be her gay friend, and that would be just fine with her.

Understand that once she ends the A and goes completely through the withdrawal, and she's ready to do whatever she needs to do to reconcile with you..........then you can start with "friendship", instead of jumping straight into "lovers". It takes time for her desire to return, and easing slowly into a sexual relationship, Is the advice I usually give.

Now after saying all of that, I will quickly add that you seem to realize her treatment of you is not what friends do to each other. For the most part, I think what you said to her was fine.

She said that it would be artificial if she told me. Asked me how I'd feel if she asked me to do that. I said I would be overjoyed to hear that my mate loved me so much that they were willing to re-pattern their life to make me feel it.

When I arrived here on the board, I was a WW. Even after I ended my A, it would anger me to read LBH'S who seemed to want to always refer to love being a choice. For me, it simply wasn't that easy for the WAW. At that point, my feelings had not been restored, and it took a long time. Actually, I had read the book on love is a decision, before I ever had an A, so it wasn't that I didn't understand the book..........it was how I was "feeling". The WW is all about feelings and she doesn't want to hear about how you do things without it being joined to the emotion. An even after she gets OM out of her head, she still holds resentment and disrespect for her H. Those two issues will kill a woman's desire. That's why it's important to have a well trained therapist to guide the couple during piecing.

The LBH, however, thinks if the shoe was on his foot instead of hers, he would be overjoyed to hear that his mate loved him so much that they were willing to re-pattern their life to make him feel it. Perhaps that is true, or perhaps that is the mindset of a LBH.........but she is not to the point where she can willingly accept those terms for herself. She is terrified of being in a MR where she feels no desire. I am not talking about those short-term periods, but a WW sees herself as feeling dead of any desire for her H from now on. You cannot convince her right now.

The bait she is using to reel you in, is throwing in a few words like "maybe" or "might" in connection of a future. We have seen it in other threads, and the LBH clings to her implications based on what he wants, instead of how she meant it. When a LBH takes a WW back under the false impressions, he can experience something like a BD over & over, b/c she has no intentions of giving him the real love he's wanting.

To tell her how you love her, IMO, is self-defeating at this point. Bluntly speaking, she doesn't want your love. Assuring her how you still love her, only works against the mindset of a WW. She only wants you for her "bestie". What a demotion.......from H to bestie"!