Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road

[jim0987]

Thanks for the posts. I'm OK.

Im a bit annoyed that she sent a text just as she disappears for a week because I would have liked a bit more courtesy than that but its not a big deal and in honesty is an emotional response because I'm hurt by this.

I was debating filing anyway so kind of wished I had so that the D was on my terms but controlling that doesn't change the reality of what it is - I've been replaced.

XW has held me in contempt for years and resentment just built on both sides. we never found a way to talk about it so in the end this was inevitable and she's right in so much as she wanted out anyway.

I will always wonder how something so good got so bad and have to try and process that in a constructive way.

I wanted kids WITH her, so I do hate this and I hate that there is someone else in my role with them - but he is trying to be good with them which is in reality the best I could hope for.

So yes feeling down but only because I'm reminded how far my XW has moved from me and the damage that did to my family.

GAL wise, well with the exception of tomorrow, I have different social plans everyday from last night to next Thursday. So hopefully keeping myself distracted.

Thanks for your concern and I'll post a bit more than of late.

[rd500]

Hi Jim. Your entitled to feel the way you do. For me , you have acted with incredible control and with great maturity I admire how you deal with things and while it's no consolation now , in the future your children will be very proud of you.

Life is strange and full of twists and turns. I do believe people like yourself will be very happy again one day It's all about the journey and don't be surprised if the journey takes lots more twists yet

Stay strong mate , you deserve so much more. Rd. xx. ( I know , I know )

[Dawn70]

Most importantly (((((((jim))))))) along with wags and licks from Molly.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and that, to make it worse, your kids are away from you for an extended time. It makes for an all-around unpleasant time for you I'm sure. Everyone before me has offered up all the advice (and then some) that I could've mustered, but I will say, from my own experience, it gets better with time.

You are a very strong person, jim, and in the time you have been here you have shown so much growth and you have dealt with everything that was thrown at you with the grace and maturity and strength that few of us find in this world. You are a good guy and you deserve to be happy. One day, you will find your happy again and we will all celebrate with you.

Hang in there, my friend. Molly and I are always praying for you! (As much as I assume any dog can pray, lol, but when I say my prayers at night, I always make sure to hold her paw or put my hand on her somewhere and say them out loud so that she is included in them. Lord, now I sound like a crazy dog lady! Let that little picture make you smile today.)

[Sotto]

Hi Jim, I'm back home again and just checking in on you. I agree with RD, of course you feel the way you do. It's not nice feeling that way, but it is perfectly understandable and healthy too. We have all suffered (and are suffering) important losses in our lives and that is painful. We get through it as best we can, and hope to lay good foundations for a full, happy and authentic life going forwards.

I understand what you say about - perhaps I should have filed then I would have some control. Something that has helped me is to just stop any resistance to what is happening. To absolutely accept that my H is divorcing me. To respect this is what he wants to do. To wish him well (that one sticks a little.....it's a work in progress...)

You told your W how you felt and there was a little truth dart in there. That's fine, and I would leave it now. It is what it is. And focus on the guy you want to be during this legal process, so that 2,3,5 years down the line, you are happy with Jim and how he handled things during a tough time.

Do you have any GAL plans tonight?? I'm a bit exhausted and will be having dinner on the couch & maybe watch a bit of TV. hope you have a nice evening, whatever you are up to. I'll check in later to see if you're posting. Take care xx

[jim0987]

Its a very nice thing to check in when things like this have happened and see supportive posts from people who have their own troubles, so thank you.

Yes, I'm off for dinner with my old next door neighbours tonight. It's strange that when we lived next door we didn't really socialise and I'm not sure my XW ever really spoke to them. Since BD I've started to build a decent friendship with them.

one of my oldest and closest friends came to stay last night which was good and a lucky coincidence. It also made me reflect that I'm lucky to have people like that in my life.

The D papers will hurt but I'm interested to know what she says. I don't think it will make pleasant reading and even though I will likely disagree, its how she feels and nothing I could ever say wi change her view. Strangely knowing that the woman I love and chose to spend my life with thinks that of me is one of the hardest things to take.

And I carry enormous fear that 'what if she's right about me?'

I can tell myself I'll be happy, I can see all the bad stuff that was in our marriage, and I can be confident that all of it is as much about her. But right now I'm still grieving for the loss of the life and dream that I wanted which only XW could fulfil.

more than anything though, I miss my kids.

Sorry It's all a bit melancholy from me, but I'm sure of anyone you have the best chance of understanding.

I am ok though and will hopefully be able to relax and enjoy dinner tonight.

[Sotto]

"And I carry enormous fear that 'what if she's right about me?"

That's a gremlin on your shoulder Jim - I'll flick him off for you!! I've been around on this forum long enough and can tell you right now that she isn't right about you! She is continuing to have an A and is probably in part demonising you to avoid facing other difficult feelings. Feelings like - I broke up my family, what kind of mother does that make me, etc..You, like so many of us have made mistakes in our M's and now we are trying to own them and move forwards.

When we are talking about 'unreasonable behaviour' there is the major stuff - alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, gambling, out of control spending etc. Stuff that can really bring a R and a family to it's knees.

Then there is the other stuff - not managing to meet emotional needs, getting distracted by kids, work, not prioritising the R enough etc.

From what you describe, your 'owned' things are very much in the 'other' stuff. And you were the husband you were using the tools you had at the time. You are worthy of love Jim. Either from your W or from another lucky woman going forward.

Enjoy your dinner out

[rd500]

Hi Jim. Ditto Sotto !! Your W isn't right and that's a fact. I have no idea if she even believes what she's saying but either way she's wrong. I have been on here quite a while and you have more than owned your stuff.

Your W feels the way she does and that's that. You don't have to own anything more than the truth. I see a lot of guys on here and we all have to accept we weren't the Hs we should have been but we also weren't monsters

I have no doubt you will find love again Your W will most likely be unhappy once this A reaches it timeline I do appreciate this might not be positive thinking on my part but so what.


Enjoy your evening and take care Rd. ( no kisses this time but a huge manly hug )

[Vanilla]

Jim

Last Xmas when you took the kids to London to see the gorgeous beautiful Xmas trees, I thought if that was my son I would be so thrilled.

When you went to Paris,(and tried wine) I thought if that was my 'bruv' I would be delighted.

Today I think Jim is my friend, and I absolutely think the world of him, and actually I want the most wonderful and amazing gifts for my friend.

V

[Sotto]

Hi Jim, just checking in to say good morning! I hope you enjoyed your dinner out with old neighbours last night. It's funny (and good) that after BD we do seem to pick up new friends from reaching out and extending a bit further.

It's a bit grey and dull here. Do you have some GAL plans for today my friend?

xx

[jim0987]

Morning Sotto. Thanks for checking in.

There was a group of us and Dinner turned into a Saturday night out and I got in about 0300. Was good fun though.

During the course of the evening I discovered that the rumour among parents at my kids nursery is that my XW kicked me out because I cheated on her. I can't say I was impressed when I found this out but people will believe what they want to. They also said they can all see how happy my XW is in her new life which I have to say stung a bit.

Still I made sure I put people straight about me not cheating (even though they didn't believe it anyway) and said that while I don't agree with her choices I hope she's happy because that's better for our kids.

So limited GAL plans today. If it stays dry I'll get out on my bike, sort some stuff round the house etc. Not the most thrilling but not bad either.